I'm feeling better (for now). I had a friend text me something comforting and then "I love you". I lost it at work and had to leave. Luckily it was lunch time so I went to a park and let it all out. I couldn't even pinpoint why I was so upset - I just kept thinking "I hate that I even care". Then, I called that friend and she calmned me down.
I'll have a lot to discuss at my next session. I just wish my T. could see me in one of those moments. I've yet to cry in front of her....maybe one day.
I've appreciated all the comments - I'm still amazed that something so good hurts so bad. I want to settle down, trust, love, accept and something deep inside tells me not to.

I'm not even sure sometimes why I'm doing this. If this is all related to my mom and she's gone, then why go through it? I don't feel like I struggle as much with friendships. I guess it's more mourning than anything. Maybe every time I feel close, my inner child realizes what I didn't have. So difficult to sort through it all.