It feels like i'm trying to find a "loop-hole" to allow me to call my therapist and tell her I miss her.

Like I think to myself, I can just call and tell her something like:

"It feels very risky to call you. I'm emotionally confused right now about how you personally and professionally feel about me returning to therapy with you, but I wanted to call you and tell you: I miss you

But I don't know. I'll probably do nothing.