Anyone remember when Mouse made her ideal session dialogue, and then I followed? Basically my ideal session started out with me and T having a discussion about psychoanalysis, in which he is impressed by my knowledge. He thanks me for offering him some new viewpoints. Then he tells me how he has been very sad that we can only see each other once per week. I act like I don't care. He tells me that he will kick out a few clients so that I can have my choice of any open spot. I tell him that's fine, and I get up to leave. He says, "Nice shoes."

So I told him about this today. All of it, right down to the "nice shoes" part. Of course I laughing hysterically and could barely get through it, partly because I was nervous, and partly because I really do amuse myself.

Then we discussed the significance in my made-up session. I told him how I wish, even if it it was only for one day, he could be the one attached, and I would reciprocate nothing. He asked me what that would look like to me. I told him-- you would say.... "I'm so attached and afraid of rejection!!"... and I would say... "Uh-huh. That must be hard."

When I told him this, he winced and said, "Ow!" I asked him why he had such a strong reaction and he told me because he can feel what I mean.

I went on to tell him how last Friday I felt connected even when I went home, but then by night, I was mad at him again. I remember the exact moment when I got mad, when I was cleaning the sink. I said to him, "Yeah that's how I spend my %#@&#! Friday nights-- wiping the sink!" And he cracked up and repeated, "%#@&#! Friday nights cleaning the sink." I love when he laughs.

I told him how I feel all this emotion for him... and how he doesn't have to feel anything in reciprocation. He then made an interpretation of sorts, and I could feel myself getting mad again. Then all of a sudden, I realized something... so I told him that I figured something out-- that the little 'ideal' session I had written out was not just a one time occurence-- Whenever I am with him, I have an idealistic scenario that plays in my head, along with what's really going on. I told him that during his interpretation, the whole time I was getting mad because I had this idealistic scenario in my head of him saying, "Well of course I think about you during the week! Of course I am completely attached to you too!" And since the reality of what he was saying didn't match the fantasy I created, I got mad.

But then he said something I didn't expect... he said that while I was telling him this, he realized that I was right to get mad.... because he felt his interpretation was bad and didn't put us on the same page. He said that it didn't convey that he understood the feelings.

Then he asked me if it's okay with me if he makes mistakes sometimes. I told him that it was completely okay b/c it's the best way for me to accept that he is human, and not completely idealistic.

Then he said that he also has a lot to learn from me.

I told him that his orignial interpretation wasn't that bad, and he said, "Actually, it was pretty lame." LOL.