hey secretgarden. i think things are okay between me and my t. i think its okay. i think he is having trouble understanding what i'm saying too. but then... i think that sometimes i'm not very sure what i'm saying either.

feel a bit caught. said something... i said 'sometimes i think i'm just being contrary' and he said 'no' fairly emphatically. but... i really do think... that is it. (i'm going to start another thread on the terrible twos / seperation individuation).

hey gemstone. not hijacking. yeah, you understood just fine. when do you meet your new therapist? i hope that things go well for you. yeah, you understood me fine. i don't know whether it will work out at the end or not... but i need to try things this way.

the session was weird... having a lot of weird sessions lately. it was okay though... but kinda weird, yeah.

he hadn't checked his email so he checked it in session and then we talked about various things. mostly... what i remember... is me kind of being a bit removed and disconnected and him trying to connect with me. it seemed quite deliberative...

he would try and take an idealising transference...

no, that wasn't what i needed.

he would try and take a mirroring transference...

no, that wasn't what i needed either (though i didn't think that he really did understand).

then he... kind of metaphorically rolled over. said something (i really don't think it was jokey) that was kind of idealising of me, i guess.

no, that wasn't what i needed either. though... part of me (w.) can be fairly grandiose and i felt a little bit inflated then - shame.

didn't emotionally respond to any of it...

then i said 'sometimes i think i'm just being contrary'. and he said 'no' emphatically. and... i stayed numb... at the time i didn't know what was going on. in hindsight i should have said 'NO! i actually AM contrary sometimes'. but i didn't really know what was up with me... at that point i think i ended up apologising. he seems really uncomfortable when i do that. kind of leans forward and metaphorically reaches out to me and says emphatically 'you have NOTHING to apologise for'.

but...

i think i've figured that i AM being contrary and i think i get why... i'll start another thread on seperation individuation / the terrible twos...