Just venting/processing/reflecting.

Saw my T today. She always helps calm me down and bring me back to reality.

We had a few laughs at the beginning. I wrote her an extremely angry and sarcastic email last week that compared my relationship with my T to my relationship with my Pdoc...demonstrating how my Pdoc's words and actions aren't consistent. I basically told my T that her and I are no longer allowed to hug and I have to address her as Dr. X because we needed to have a "healthy professional relationship". So we were joking around making fun of my email (which looking back was hilarious).

Then we got down to business...Pdoc situation. After a lot of discussion, we figured out that my emotions are not the problem. Yes, I'm dealing with a loss, but that pain was inevitable. My issues with my Pdoc is the lack of consistency. So if/when I see her before her maternity leave, the things I need to address are what am I doing wrong (in her opinion) concerning my boundaries and attachment, and why did she change her boundaries so drastically. I don't care if she changes her boundaries or not. But I need consistent boundaries. I need clarity.

My T told me I have a few options. 1. Go to my appt (if there is a next appt). 2. My T calls her. 3. I write my Pdoc a letter. 4. I email my Pdoc. 5. I don't allow my Pdoc back into my life. Well, option 5 can always be an option. Option 2 isn't the best because my Pdoc might view it as manipulation. 3 and 4, well...I'm supposed to work on verbal communication. So I'm left with option 1: seeing my Pdoc one more time if possible.

I'm so scared. I don't want to go through another painful session with my Pdoc. My T thinks important to though. She said that I have a unique opportunity to go back and try to figure out what went wrong because of the nature of the relationship. In most other relationships, once there's a rift, there's usually no going back. Plus, maybe my T is right that it was just a bad day for my Pdoc. But it's going to be a painful session no matter what because I'm basically going to say goodbye. So if there is no resolution, no closure, I will be left in more pain than I already am.

I'm thinking about emailing my Pdoc to give her a head's up; to communicate how important one more appt with her is to me. My fear is that she'll see it as me being too dependent or attached. But she already said she would try to fit me in so I can see her one last time. So it shouldn't make a difference stating why it's important, right? Ugh! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her. Having BPD, it's supposed to be the other way around

My T believes me that I don't want to manipulate my Pdoc. But she feels that if I don't confront her that I am only hurting myself. That I'm causing myself to be stuck with this pain of feeling betrayed, abandoned, rejected, and not understood. My take is that my Pdoc meant everything she said, so there's no point in trying to gain clarity. I did express to my Pdoc my pain and confusion already. My T says that I was in a very shocked and emotional state that I might have not communicated clearly enough, but now that some time has passed, I'm able to look at the situation more rationally (part of that is thanks to all here on PC who have provided me with support ).

I asked my T about my level of attachment to my Pdoc. She doesn't think it's extreme. I asked her if she found a doctor that she really liked and trusted if she would want to remain with that doctor. She said she would. I told her I don't even think about my Pdoc btwn appts. I also told her that my Pdoc texting my T was stupid. I told her it would be like her husband texting me on behalf of her. What good does that do? She laughed...and reassured me she wasn't going anywhere.

This whole situation just sucks. I'm not SI'ing, I'm using my coping skills when I need to and when I don't, I haven't backed out of this DBT group thing, dealing with my fears with county and people, I have my own random problems in life (water heater leaking, mouse in the house, sick dog, sick 92 yr old grandma-in-law who is being sued, mom who isn't taking care of her diabetes, mom getting married this year, etc, etc, etc.), I'm trying to get out of the house more, I'm trying to work on my physical health, I'm losing my Pdoc, and trying to keep myself out of a crisis/hospital. It's a lot for me to handle. I feel like I'm falling apart. My T reminds me I'm actually not falling apart, but in fact coping. I know she's right. The emotional pain is just overwhelming and this is such a struggle for me.

We also talked about how I'm feeling stuck in life. She said that's actually a good thing, and I should take the time to reflect on what I want in life and focus on taking care of myself. I explained that it's difficult for me to figure out what successful looks like for me. Most people follow typical goals: go to college, get a job, get your own place, get married, have children. I can't follow that path due to my mental health. I don't want to have too high of expectations and then fail to meet them. And I don't want to live my life the way it is. I don't know where that middle ground is for me. It's frustrating.

We ended the session with a hug, as usual. Except she joked with me again about my sarcastic email asking if I was sure a hug is appropriate

I kinda just want the next 6 months to be over with. I'm tired of the unknown. I'm tired of the fear and the pain. I need my Pdoc to go on her leave so I can grieve her loss. I need DBT to start so I have an idea of what it will be like and how I will cope with it. And I need to accomplish this and many other things so I can make progress on my dream to be a mother. I know I will survive all of this... I just want everything to start already so I don't have to sit in this pain any longer.

Sorry for the novel. I just needed to vent/express everything. I just need to know that someone out there understands. Or even that someone is listening. I'm not looking for any solutions. The only solution is to keep trying and to keep living.

Btw way, please please please, don't write that I have transference. I do not, my T agrees I do not. When I read that, I feel frustrated and misunderstood. While attachment and transference are similar and often coexist, they are two different things.