Hey everyone, sorry I never replied to your supportive posts. I feel bad about that and appreciated your input.

There's a follow up to this; I saw my T for a couple sessions at the end of December/start of January. I hadn't brought up any of my feelings above. During our last session she mentioned the following week she had an all day obligation. Fair enough, I thanked her for letting me know in advance. Fast forward to the week after that and she notified me that she couldn't make our scheduled appointment because of a her aunt died; she could do a morning appointment that day. It's too late imo to inform work of the change. I don't like taking time off work for therapy but when you work 10-7 it's harder to fit in, so I take it during lunch break. I digress.

This cancellation really upsets me! Work has been burning me out. I'm crying more often. There's a part of me that feels so inadequate and incompetent about everything (appearance, life skills, intelligence, self worth you name it) and the feeling is so large right now. I'm also working toward gender confirmation surgery with her. Not to mention a receptionist clocked me this morning, which brought out the tears. It upsets me that these feelings are trumped by the gravity of her family death and I don't have a place for them. I wish I could just file them away and be more compassionate.

I wanted to talk about these issues, any of them! And looked forward to my appointment with her. Usually I look forward to our sessions.

I essentially wrote to her what I posted in my first post. She was apologetic, understanding and supportive. She offered to do an earlier session next week.

She said all the right things and...I want to turn away, too wounded. My posture is much more oppositional now, I don't feel like we are a team.

I like her and I've struggled to find a therapist I connect with. That's only happened with one other therapist. But....I don't know what's the point? Therapy seems pointless when therapeutic relationships can be so fatally and fundamentally flawed. I've done several consultations and seen a decent share before and they're either robots, poor listeners, forgetful, don't tune in, blab their mouths off, or don't show up. I want to say fine I'll do this **** without any of your support. How different is it from seeing a therapist with 3-4 week breaks in between.

Will I keep seeing her? Yes. But yuck, I'd like my therapeutic relationships to be more healing instead of an obstacle on top. Id like to attend sessions!, and have confidence they won't disappear more than 40% of the time.