I do not understand why people are abusive towards others. I agree that you did not deserve any of the abuse you have received since childhood. However, I have also learned that as survivors of abuse, we sometimes do seek out people who are abusive so I understand why you are questioning whether or not you are doomed, because at some points in my own life I wondered why did I attract these kinds of people into my life. With the help of a good therapist and a lot (a lot) of online research, I have come to understand some of this. My last relationship was with an abusive narcissist and that was my breaking point, in which I mean that was the point where I started to see things differently, and instead of feeling victimized, I began to look at MY behavior and MY choices in my adult life. A relationship is a two-way street. Some people think that there is a kind of trauma bonding that occurs in abusive relationships where we equate the hurt and the pain with love, which makes our threshold for certain behaviors a lot lower than it is for others. Other people think that certain personality types, including issues with self-confidence and self-esteem, are more prone to getting into abusive relationships. Still others seem to think that repeating this kind of cycle of abuse with other people in adult life brings the opportunity to "change the script" and if we do not learn the lessons these relationships were meant to teach us, we will keep repeating the cycle. So what are these relationships trying to teach us?? If I could figure that out ... I am working on this as well, but I think the answer varies from person to person. Yes, it takes self-reflection and it is not easy work. It is soul work. Therapy can help a great deal. It is very important to get the help you need to understand yourself better. This takes time. But I do understand how you feel that you just want the memories out of your head. I have been there and it is a struggle and it sucks. It is hard to remember that it is *your* head. You control it. Another thing I learned is that we sometimes abuse ourselves, as a release, because a part of us seeks the emotional/chemical response the abuser provoked. By replaying these scenarios in our minds, it is almost as if we are reliving the abusive situation all over again, drowning ourselves in the hurt and pain. Why would we do this? It's subconscious. The mind is strange. There are coping strategies that can help, but again it varies from person to person, and a therapist can help you determine what would work for you. You deserve happiness and you will find happiness ... it's within you. You can't change the past but you can definitely control your future. Good luck on your journey.