I have a question just for those of you who would describe themselves as having severe attachment difficulties (maternal transference, difficulty trusting, equally feel desperate for love & nurture from their t but equally terrified of attachment, push-pull dynamics, etc.)

Have you ever had to endure a fairly long break from therapy (say, a month long, when you usually see them weekly)?

If so, how did it affect your feelings of attachment? Did you miss them at the same intensity for the entire break? Or was it harder at the beginning of the break? Were you eager to see your t when she got back? Or by the end of the break, had you progressed from missing them terribly to feeling detached and reluctant to return to t? Did you ever feel that the break had been so difficult and painful that since you had endured that long already, maybe it was best to continue with less support and reduce the frequency of your sessions? If you did this, did it help you become less attached, and more independent, and eventually easier to let go of your t?

This is my situation now. It will have been 1 month since I saw my t. It has been very painful for me, too painful (although I know it is irrational and based on my past). That having been said, now that I've managed to endure almost a month without her, and have struggled through the pain of separation, I feel that maybe it would be best for me to start reducing my sessions with a view of becoming less dependent on my t and eventually terminating down the road.

I've been in therapy for a long time with my t (many years) and have struggled, both with the limits of the therapy relationship, and with the terror of eventual termination. I've had several instances where I wanted more support from my t than she was able to give. I've had unrealistic hopes that she could love me like she would her own kids, and that I would mean more to her than just a patient.

The bottom line is that because of my severe attachment deficits, I've wanted the t relationship to be more than it can be - and have been hurt and disappointed over and over again when I realize that the sort of relationship I want, and often feel that I need, with my t isn't within grasp.

What I find confusing about my t is that she actually encourages attachment inside the therapy room. But her boundaries are tight in terms of not wanting much, if any, outside contact. It's very hard for me to manage having my affections and attachment feelings stirred up in the room, only to have to ward off any resulting urges I have to communicate or engage that bond once my session is over.

My t insists it's a real relationship of caring, but it's hard for me to have confidence that it is real, when the only time we engage is for the 60 minutes per week that I pay for her to listen to me and help me. She really has not invited me into her life in any other way, except in upholding that 60 minutes of her attention that we've scheduled. How is that really a relationship if it exists only within a certain room, at a predetermined period of time, and is paid for?

But. . .back to the point. I transgress.

Now that I've had to endure a 1-month break from my t, and I am starting to come out the other side, I have to wonder if it would be best for me to voluntarily remain at a reduced level of session frequency? When I say "come out the other side," I don't mean that I am no longer attached to her or in pain regarding the limitations of the therapy relationship - but I have managed to detach from the painful emotions and expectations. I feel rather numb to them at this point in time. And that's rather familiar for me, because one of my biggest defense mechanisms against pain is to detach or, at times, dissociate the emotions that have been too hard to feel.

While I understand that this is not the best way to deal with separation pain, it does reduce the hurt, longing, and disappointment I feel and enables me to "do life" without constantly being aware of the painful emotions or needs. I'm beginning to believe it may be the only way that I can successfully reduce my dependency on my t.

Thoughts?