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justsignmeupalready said:

Ummm..I havent read all of your posts and if Im off base just tell me. You seem like a really decent person to me. "sentimental obligation"....means she likes you...how is that different from what "is real"? People come with feelings...its being human...

My impression is youre throwing up all these road blocks becasue youre scared. Could you be creating these things to throw yourself off the track of getting close? Youre throwing yourself red herrings i think.. all this anxiety could be interpreted as a good sign..that youre bonding with your T...youre doing a lot of good work and I imagine youre exhausted...but keep in mind what you said yourself..."driving yourself..." I think all this resistance means youre on the right track and dont be afraid...I know its easier said then done..Hang in there Ipse Dixit.

You know how I feel about my T. I understand the scariness of it...when he said those things to me I was devastated....buthe explained himself and I grew from the whole thing. It sucks putting yourself out there, but unfortunately I think its the only way...You have to just put yourself out there.

I cant imagine why anyone would not like you. If they dont theyre just a jackasss anyway.

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I wrote this in the "self-injury" forum about my T, thinking she may be reluctant to really want me to return from this break I've been on (about 3 months now):

".....i just think it is a possibility [that she may not want me to return] because i'm very difficult to work with. at least, it seems that way because my emotional defense system is so confusing and complicated (even to me) that we are having the hardest time breaking through to really fix what the heck is wrong with me, or at least see something inside that will show me it is okay to to stop me from loathing myself and start me loving myself. it is very frustrating and she may want to stop [dealing with me]. even though it was my decision to take a break, i'm not sure she is ready for me to return from break."

and you wrote your impression is i'm throwing up all these roadblock because i'm scared. truer words were probably never spoken. though i might upgrade the word scared to "terrified" or perhaps "petrified" because I'm petrified into inaction and just keeping my "neediness" inside.

if I need her, though, it feels like i'm weak and vulnerable ....and so often allowing myself to be vulnerable and open in the past has gotten me burned.

i sit here and think of how terrified i am of everything but at the same time needing "someone" to help me, needing others in general, and thinking of all of this....I start to cry for the innocent 5 year old that once existed before all the bull-plop that came along destroy the innocence I had. that poor little boy who seemed so beautiful and just wants love and just wants to explore with his curiosity....that boy is buried so deep in me and wrapped up and imprisoned by all of my fear....and i so desparately want to give that boy the life he deserved.

and i just cry...looking at how petrified/terrified i am right now...how i've been conditioned and brainwashed to not even know how to make it "safe" enough to let the true me out...for the most intense fear i will be hurt. somehow I have to find a way to make it safe for that "true" me to come out of the hole.