Hi, thank you so much for reaching out and sharing about the extremely difficult things you are going through. You are not alone!!!

I really, really relate!! I have tried to work so many times in my life and each time I was in so much emotional pain and felt such maddening anxiety and self-criticism and oversensitivity to crappy, cruel co-workers and awful workplace politics and sick social dynamics that I would come home just wanting to kill myself. I wouldn't be able to bear the thought of going back the next day, and would sometimes just lie on the floor all night willing the clock to stop.

At one of my jobs I was in so much pain and felt so trapped being there that, when I was sent to get something from the stockroom, which was down a flight of stairs, I would sometimes stand at the top of the stairs and imagine throwing myself down them. That thought would often be the only thing that brought me peace and allowed me to keep struggling through the days.

I finally applied for disability. Nobody supported me in doing that, and some people said these harsh, admonishing things implying that I was lazy and making a bad decision. But I absolutely knew I had to do it, I had no choice, working just hurt me too much and I could not function.

I was approved for disability my first try, even though everyone was saying how hard it would be to get, etc.

Please be kind to yourself and have compassion for yourself and, if you can, maybe you can put up a boundary in your mind between yourself and the people who are putting you down like that and telling you you don't need disability. From what you've said, it sounds like you need it completely legitimately -- you are not lazy or exaggerating your pain in any way!

This is why disability exists -- to help people who cannot work, simple as that. Just because it's due to mental illness does not make your claim to it any less valid, and if people around you imply that, are snide about it, or are simply ignorant, there is no need for you to ingest their judgment.

I also want to say that I've started doing some freelance work from home. While I'm not making much money yet, it's something, and it is a total blessing. With the internet there are finally real work at home opportunities, like remote telephone customer service or general transcription, which I'm giving a try.

Also, once you're on disability there is a whole work incentives program set up which allows people to work while on disability, and there are work incentives counselors who will work with you over the phone for free to help you understand the ins and outs of all that if and when you decide to try working again, if only for a little bit a week even.

I hope this is of some help and comfort to you. Sorry to go on and on, but I really feel for what you're talking about. Bless you and take good care.