it is hard. i'm really trying to understand projective identification. what i do to prompt the counter-transference. trying... it is hard.

one thing that is nice about time between sessions is that i get the chance to think and to come to some kind of a conception of what is going on. in sessions... i feel like i can't think fast enough. don't really understand what is going on.

found this this morning. cried. the second to last paragraph stood out the most for me (though i was interested in the earlier stuff too). the notion that... i felt close. and safe. and then all of a sudden he feels TOO close. i'm panicking a bit, i think. pushing him away. it is one of my patterns.

i think he feels like i denigrate him. i can be a bit dismissive of him, of his thoughts and opinions at times. i think that is how he feels. he is great at not getting defensive or retaliating. really terrific. but i guess it is up to me to talk about this somehow... not sure how...

part of me longs for him. just wants to curl up safely in his arms and go to sleep. another part of me is so very afraid of him. that he'll put me somewhere to go do other things and then the danger will be bad 'cause i'll be sleeping instead of being vigilant. that if i let him in then when he extracts himself it will hurt too much. that i'll break apart.

i don't mean to hurt him, just poke him a little.
poke... see what happens
poke... see what happens
i feel a little anxious
will i kill him?
will he reject me?
can't let him in
i run
will he chase me?
does he care?

i hate feeling like this.
so confused.