The trigger is because my T and I talked about my fear of tragedies happening in my family when they go on trips. It's a fear of losing people. She said it's really fear of death. My T has worked a lot with people who are grieving losses so she isn't afraid to talk openly about death. She tried to do SE with me so I won't get so anxious when someone is traveling.

Then I started talking about not thinking the good feeling with her is going to last and that she will hurt me. She said she isn't going to hurt me. I believe her but at the end of the session she said in a few weeks she's going to a work related course out-of-town! My stomach started to hurt thinking about losing her!

We did IFS with the part who thinks negative thoughts and can't accept good things can happen. It's hard to change my ingrained way of thinking.

When I brought up about love and that it seemed like she was showing me love, she said that she does love me. I said I thought it was a fluke that she wrote "sending love to you" in an email, so she went into her "in this kind of therapy I am closer to people" but those weren't her words. I can't remember how she phrased it. I was feeling like the child part didn't get taken care of even though I held Ts hand. She suggested drawing or painting ME doing something with the child. I said "I want YOU to be there" and she said that's fine. It's not either or.

So I left feeling like she loves all her clients, not just me, and a little unsettled from the session. I ate a big candy bar when I got home (Bad!) but after dinner decided to do my homework. It's the first time I've painted in a few months!

I made T and I on either side of the child. holding her hand. I outlined a heart in red around the 3 figured and wrote the word ",Love" inside it. I also painted a smaller picture on the same paper with a younger child in my arms and T next to me.

I feel kind of ashamed of needing my T this way but she is fine with it. I emailed her a photo of my painting and she responded that it was fantastic and she doesn't know how I can do it in a couple of hours! She hopes the process helped me.

Well, it got me back into painting and got my feelings out. It's weird to see me holding the child who is supposed to be me. I never could do that before. I know most people don't want to hear about parts but I need to process my feelings about my session.