I understand what you're saying. It's not that I am planning on warning these young women, it's just the feeling I get when I see these things that I'm having trouble dealing with. I think this may be a kind of trigger for me because my ex also used to say things to me about my clothes, my body and weight (I have an average weight, but he wanted me to be thinner and more toned, even though he is over-weight and I accepted him as he was), even saying things like I needed to keep up my good looks or else he'd "trade [me] in for a younger model." Of course we argued about that too, because he said he was joking and I took things too seriously. But even after I explained how I felt, he kept saying it, and it bothered me. Essentially, he did that too. The girl he cheated on me with is in her mid-20s. I mean I'm not an old woman here but he made me feel bad about aging and my appearance. It sounds stupid to me now, like how could I allow him to make me feel bad, because I am an attractive person and I have no problems with aging gracefully. I also don't think people get uglier as they get older. But that is part of the insidious nature of emotional/mental abuse.

Aging did play a big part in our relationship and that was one of the reasons I noted that I was the oldest woman he ever dated. He was obsessed with youth and hated people his own age. I tried to help him in so many ways to accept that he was getting older and that was okay. At 50, I think you should have some sort of peace with your self. But he didn't, and he felt that life passed him by and all the opportunities he missed when he was young were gone, and he hated being older. He had no friends his own age, had never been married, no children. He was alone, and I became like a home to him - cooking for him, doing his laundry, sex. I actually thought we were going to be together for a very long time, and even though there were problems, I thought we could work through them.

After the break-up, I began to realize that one of the things he liked about me was that I did look young for my age. I felt horrible for that, because I was trying to help him move past that. And I do know now that the only person you can really change is yourself, and that if a relationship is contingent on change, then it is doomed. But I think seeing him with young girls is a reminder to me of some of our deepest problems. It scares me that I was abused as a young girl and maybe I unconsciously sought him out because he was older. But at the time, I wanted to show him that it was okay to be with older people. It's very confusing and it makes me so angry because I know that he's out there doing the same thing to other young women, and I didn't help him in any way. In fact, the relationship hurt me very much. But I guess I just need to roll with these moments and try to understand my strong reactions. I didn't get a lot of advice here but thank you all for giving me the space to work this out.

Thank you.