*TW - small discussion of past SI*

an update:

went to session and T said we had lots to talk about, and that we'd get to the phone call, but that he wanted to start out with a lot of other stuff first

that he's concerned about me
he knows i'm having a really, really hard time
he's committed to working with me
wrt a possible Pdoc visit: he wants to help, but doesn't want me to think he's 'getting rid' of me or won't do therapy any longer
he thinks things have gotten hard and we need a plan to help me
he cares about me
he wants me to keep trying, keep working, even though its really hard

he mentioned how he didn't want to be like someone in my childhood who, when i used to SI as a teen, drove me to the drugstore for me to buy sutures/bandages and left it to me to figure it out (my T then (different T, 15+ years ago!) ended up hospitalizing me as a result, saying this person was just enabling me)

and we didn't talk about the phone call, boundaries, or his life at all
he made it all about me...which is what he keeps saying therapy is about

all in all, this "sounds good" as i write it on paper. it feels so confusing and strange. i don't know what to make of it.

all through the session there was this sense in my mind (voice in my head?) that kept telling me he's going to hurt me somehow, he's tricking me, he has to tell me these things, and that he can't say, of course, that he's hoping to refer me out to a psychiatrist so that he can spend all his time with his new family soon - but that sure would be a relief to him, wouldn't it? wouldn't it decrease the pressure on him, decrease any risks that my being 'difficult case' brings up?

part of me thinks it's almost my obligation to 'play nice' and go to Pdoc, get medicated, be quiet, and leave him alone so he can be happy. i have a long history w/ being over-medicated as a teen (4 psychiatric meds for a 15 year old who was dealing w/ a truly dysfunctional family) and taken out of public school - basically couldn't keep my eyes open, gained over 100 lbs in 6 months...just what every 15 y/o girl needs, lol! so getting meds is a really scary step for me anyway, now it's all overlaid with this sense of being a burden to him and him wanting to 'quiet me down' with whatever.

i know that's all coming from inside me and i'm just projecting it out or whatever. but it's really confusing to always hear "trust your experience" or "share your experience" and then my experience - which is what i just wrote - is always so far off the mark, "but understandable, given your past." how can i trust myself when the alarms go off for every little thing?