Thank you for the reply. Well, the thing is, in either ways, I've done them in the wrong way and through the wrong path. Suppose that you cheat on your driving license exam and you get the license, I have this magical thinking which implies that - whatever you do based on your driving from now on - would be a lie, means not acceptable, means not right, means you had no right, etc... can't really explain it :/

I am helpless, I went with myself too far, can't really know how to dig my way out again...

Any other comments would be really appreciated.