omg now this has not happened to me in so long . I don't know if she is pushing me or what ,or if it was my fault. I had a major panic again in session. I couldn't seem to talk at first .my resolution is to try and not ++shut down when T says something I don't like. so I asked her if I could just hand her my journal and she could read the little I wrote and then I wouldn't have to worry about talking . after a thinking pause (I guess) she said Shure so I gave it to her .she asked if she could read back for some that she had not read yet anything for me not to talk so I said sure . she read some about what I wrote about being different. she said she agreed she was not clear but she meant do I feel different in T . but I wrote something about my idea of how school was and different then I remember . I told her that I don't remember ever talking to people at all or having any interest in other kids. but my teachers wrote horrible things in my report cards and I always run into people who said we were friends in school and we hung out a lot and I have no idea who they were .my t said that that is a common occurrence when children are suffering from extreme trauma. she said I have a hard time connecting on any level to what went on in my past . I HATE THE WORD TRAUMA . then she started reading what I wrote about my dream I had the other night. this is when the panic really started . I think I decided i didn't want to talk about it but she kept reading and making references like hummm and ohhh, she said so much about it . like how she didn't think it was just a dream but sounded more like a memory and that maybe this has happened to me . I started freaking . she asked if it reminded me of any memories I had . I just shook my head no and I was panicking so much now .I said I didn't want to talk bout it and that I was completely panicking . she asked me if I needed to leave ,I just asked if I could get my blanket. just being able to get up off that chair and get my blanket helped me a lot. it was hard to hear her . she was telling me that she understood why I was panicking and that I was ok. that no one was going to hurt me and that I was safe . it was nice to hear these words but it didn't help the way I was feeling about myself. I tried to talk more about my dream but I couldn't .my body just was not going to let me. she was saying that she doesn't think it was just a dream but memories . that these things happened to me . but I remember my childhood for the most part except for school stuff . I cant forget the mother. this stuff going through may have been a mix of a bunch of parts of memories or something but it was not a clear memory. there were strange things in this dream that never happened to me. she said that most of my life I have never connected to what I was going through on any level and this is how I survived . she used a lot of horrible words about the mother again and the way things were. she said that it can sometimes feel like im back there . IT did feel that way for a few minutes and it made me panic and I couldn't talk about it . I feel so miserable and humiliated for acting that way in T . I was hiding my face in my blanket and everything . god I am pathetic . how am I ever going to be able to be ok if I cant even talk about a bad dream without having a panic attack.