Maybe there is just something inherently wrong with me...or maybe there is nothing wrong and that is why no therapy works. I get told I'm too rational one minute and that might suggest something, then the next I'm told my emotions are more intense than most people's are and that could suggest something...then I'm told I need to be in therapy to help rewire my brain that was apparently shaped in childhood but then the next minute it is suggested it is a neurological condition in itself...then the next, I don't know, both?! I'm told this therapy will help me, then I give it a number of months and I get more sick and I tell my therapist I need to feel heard...so it's all "fine, I am trained in a variety of things, I can be flexible"...yet the week before she is intent that the type of therapy I required was the one I signed up for.

But none of them seems to help me, it is just the same and I'm spending lots and continuing the same. I'm told my previous type of therapy won't work but I'm not sick enough for financial help with this one...and besides she's willing to give the other one ago briefly if I want/feel it'll help. Maybe I shouldn't bother at all.

It is always my brain that is at fault but one theory suggests an issue from birth (purely genetic/biological) and the other suggests it is biopsychosocial issue and then the next some structural split theory or other. I don't care about the label nor about which theory/angle she will swaps to from one week to the next - but I care about spending yet more time and huge amounts of money on a therapy that doesn't help me. I care about leaving therapy and being so overwhelmed I hurt myself and lose another day in my life. But if I ask why I am how I am, then I'm told that I like to know why too much. I like to know why because I'm trying to figure out if its worth it for me.

I'm genuinely depressed about it all. I want a normal life - maybe I should have a break from therapy. I do it because I want to stop self harming and be able to feel meaningfully connected to my family/friends...but maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe my self harm is just another persons glass of wine in the evening - just another way to get through life. Besides it is not as though I don't have friends/family...I'm clearly capable of managing that, maybe I just have to be satisfied that it doesn't always touch me to the extent I feel it should. Maybe I have too high expectations of life.