WARNING TRIGGER*****************

so sorry for the length. i will break up into paragraphs. so the reason behind this purge is i really feel my diagnosis is in my history and i have been reluctant to tell T or Pdoc the full story. i am aware this hinders their ability to effectively help me as well as prescribe the correct meds. i would like some input on what i should tell and whether or not it would be too much for one session ( i go weekly starting this coming week). here goes

as a young child, before school age, i had begun masturbating. didnt know what it was just did it cuz it felt good and made me feel good. it was a big no no and i got in trouble a lot for it. i am 28 now so i was an 80s baby. my father was very into abusive discipline. i was very close with my mothers father until he died when i was 5. when he was around he was the only person i went to. i was also an identical twin to my sister.

just before 6 my twin was diagnosed with stage 4 hodgkins lyphoma in her left lung, they gave her 6months. it was treated aggressively with chemo and full body radiation. she relapsed a few times. one relapse for the hodgkins in the lung, cancer in her collar bone, cancer that destroyed her humerous for her left arm and its grwth plate, and finally myodysplaysia(form of pre leukemia). after many surgeries, 2 bone marrow transplants (from a forced me), lifetime supplies of specific chemos, and a lot of very damaging radiation she finally went into remission and never relapsed.

though all this many things happened, many of which i have never spoken about but i am here.. when i was 5 i remember my cousin kissing me, hes a yr older.my father started drinking heavily. he was home sunday night thru friday night when my sister was int he hospital which was very frequently. i wasnt allowed to stay at friends houses, their parents smoked. my older sister was able to stay at her friends a lot, but she isnt an important thing here yet. i remember a lot of beatings and chokings and threats.i became very isolated and withdrew into myself sharing nothing with anyone. a lot of this time is a blank. i remember being held down on the ground a lot and hits with anything around especially leather belt and their metal ends.

in 1st grade i convinced a boy to pull his pants down. i have no idea y or how i did it but it was just the beginning to school problems.in 2nd grade i raced a boy in the hallway and he tripped me so i caught up and slammed his face into the wall. i got in trouble for that since my teacher had come out and seen it. 3rd grade i sat next to a boy who was labeled behavioral problem. he pulled his junk out and put my hand on it. my sisters 1st bone marrow transplant. 4th grade a girl i knew was being made fun of cuz her mom died. to this day we still dont know if it was murder or suicide. anyways i get in the middle and tell boys to back off, he swung and i unleashed. i got in school suspension for fighting her got outside suspension for starting it. 5th grade i was dared to kiss a boy under the teachers desk during a movie when he left the room. also that yr i got suspended for drawing a pitchfork in a yr book, gang sign here.

every 3rd friday of the month was a cancer support group i was forced to attend. i spoke to no one and stayed to myself. no one cared about me anyways, adults talked when iwas around like i was deaf or not there. i over heard some hospital social workers say that it was unlikely id live to graduate HS. they thought id commit suicide. i was in quite a lot of fights in grade school due to kids making fun and bullying my sister.

dont remember 6th grade. 7th grade my gym teacher tried to get me expelled for being insubordinate. a boy had took the ball a group of us were playing with and i was chasing him to get it back.teacher asked what was going on and i stated just that and she called my mother and the principle and requested i be expelled. she was a *****! my basketball coach that yr was a man and he would walk into the locker room while we were changing. this is the yr for 2nd bone marrow transplant. i wasnt told until too late to find another donor. i ran and locked myself in a bathroom outside the icu. my mother comes knocks on door and says fine dont do it but u go back in there hold ur sisters hand and tell her and watch her die. i was 11. also whenii was 11 the same cousin that kissed me as a child somehow convinced me to remove my clothes and he raped me.

8th grade again i found myself almost expelled. i got in the middle of a fight to break it up since one was a friend and threatened to kill another girl. well teacher comes in and wants to know whats going on. other supposed friends of mine stated i threatened to kill the girl. she gets police escort home everyday for the rest of the yr and has her father pick her up. i didnt get expelled liars came forth and told the truth. they were never my friends again and i withdrew into myself yet again.

HS was a blurr. lots of honors and AP classes. i knew i was a lesbian so i stuck to myself. i got into pot and alcohol. i didnt really belong to anything yet was a part of a lot. in was a science geek.i was president of the science club(i had no responsibilities), co captain of science team(just because i own the most medals at competitions), joined art club to try and finish projects(they never got done), played softball. never studied, never did HW, and skipped a lot of classes. summer ball we lost the championship game and the other team taunted me. i ran away to be alone so i wouldnt kill them. someone called my father and told him i ran away when i hadnt. i got home and he stormed out of the house. i ran he yelled if i didnt come back hed run me down with the car. i walk in the house he punches me in the face and head, i start to black out.

graduating hs and went as far away from my family and life here as i could. i went 7,000 miles away to hawaii. went to college her but did dreadful. i was always stoned or drunk. i did lab reports and labs and papers very well but not tests. heres where some real trigger begin. i only blacked out once that i recall. some of this friends have informed me of my behavior. here goes.

i spent a lot of time on military bases drunk. its what they did and its what i did with one of my female friends. now remember i know im a lesbian yet i tried so hard not to be. i drank a lot. one night i was partying off post with some naval guys. we drank and sword fought with real swords. somehow i wound up in bed with not 1 but 2 of them. i do not remember how that happened. one minute having fun next 2 guys are banging me.

of course lesson not learned cuz im just dumb. drank with other miltary and wound up having a guy on me and i do remember saying no. it was ignored i left as soon as possible. lesson learned? of course not im thick headed. another night drank more and wound up being raped by another. then i go to bathroom and am followed in and almost raped yet again. never went back to base again. i learned.

hanging out with friends im drunk and go to sleep. i awake to find a friend had taking my hand and was jacking himself off with it. i stay silent and wait for it to end. another time(this consensual) i just want to be straight so i have a guy friend and i decide to have sex with him. ive recently reconnected and he says it wasnt just once but multiple times. i have no recollection.

sorry so long. im not finished yet but im exhausted since i dont sleep well. i dont know when ill finish my story or if i will. i need to see if i have fallout from this. should i let T who ive been seeing for 3yrs in a bit to this?