i still dont feel grown up. i have two teens, i'm married, i have a mortgage and bills, responsibilities.

i feel like curling up on my grandads knee (who has passed away) and sucking my thumb and watching tommy cooper on tv like we used to in the days before i knew pain and insecurity. i want to be stroked onmy head by my grandad and fall asleep on his lap while he sang to me. i want to wake up tomorrow morning and bounce on his bed til he tickled me and carried me downstairs to make a bacon butty and a pot of tea. i want to then go to the park and fall over and cry and he would make it all better again. dear grandad why did you leave me i never got over you, i still love you the best, i still talk to you, can you hear me? can you still love me?
i loved you so much grandad, i cry as i write about you, i miss you so much still. you were the most special person in the world to me and always will be along with my children. i hope you are happy and free of your arthritis wherever you are. please be with me when i sleep tonight, hold my hand like you used to and sing gently to me in your lovely geordie accent. i loved that you caled me jinnyann, but never knew why - but one day i'll see you again and ask you. cuddles from ynite nite bonny lad - til we meet again.
our jinnyann and a big kiss on your whiskery cheek i always remember your grey goatee and used to stroke it when i sucked my thumb.

your jinnyann xoxoxoxoxo