I haven't really posted here or visited for several months, until a few days ago. But I am so confused.

I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing dysphoria. Whatever it is, it's super great.

I am really confused and frustrated. I don't understand why this keeps happening. I don't understand what it is exactly that keeps happening.

Last month I was feeling pretty good, but I spent too much money. I also didn't need much sleep, was going to bed around 11 or 12, waking up at 4 or 5, not tired one bit. Totally up. I loved it. Now that's recently ended just this week, and I'm going to bed at around 10 or 11, and waking up at 6 or 7, and I feel exhausted. I'm taking people way too seriously, and I'm reacting. I'm hypersexual, almost can't make rent on time, and today I felt like crying a few times over how I feel my feelings are neglected. And I'm becoming more paranoid about the people around me, especially at work.

But I just don't see it coming. I really don't. I don't know how to see any of it coming. Bad or good. It all feels normal to me. It all feels legitimate to me. It just hits me and I feel like I can't stop it. And when I'm like this in particular, and something hurts me and I get angry, I can be destructive. And I will totally believe that I am right, and justified, in how I react. I'm a little afraid of myself and what I might do. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge.

I have been told that I need to learn how to control my emotions. I don't believe anyone can control their emotions, only suppress them. Am I wrong? Did I miss that class? I feel powerless. I have never been able to control my emotions. And right now, it's even hard for me to control my reactions.

And yet, I think maybe I'm just blowing everything out of proportion and I should just shut the **** up, stop whining like a little brat, and suck it up and deal. I'm really not that bad. Maybe I'm just a drama queen.

I would like to just sever my nerves.

And I can't even say when I'm manic or hypomanic I do X, Y and Z, because I don't even know if I experience mania or hypomania. Nothing is clear to me. So I can't get to the bottom of anything, I can't be prepared for anything, because I can't define what happens and categorize where certain modes of perception and feeling and action/reaction go efficiently and concisely enough to make sense. I can't take a state, label it, and flag it with warning signs, because I don't even know if I am experiencing certain states to begin with. It's just one big, jumbled, confusing mess to me. I don't know where things stop and start, or if they even do at all.

I'm sorry this is so long. If you've read this, thanks for reading.