Oh the other dreams are, with the harlots are the sexual fantasies and the actual sexual activity I had in my real life.

I used to have strange to me at the time about sex, I didn't understand it. Even though I was raped as a kid, I still didn't understand it.

So theses dreams confused me, the harlots to many forms as of myself or how I feel of myself or my own sexual ego of myself coming out. I found out about my sexual preferences from this dream I had when I had sex with an emotional other have a man my age, but he was the perfect guy for me I loved him a lot. He affects me even though he was in my dream as a true friend, but we had sex, but it was awkward. I loved it at first, but then I realized. It's not for me. I told him
"we can't do this.. I don't think it's wrong I love you the way you are, but I can't feel my body is up for this. You see, I'm not gay I thought I was but I found out I wasn't. It wouldn't be fair to me and you if I kept going on like this. " That was quoted exactly.

It's strange because I never had consent from another man, but it was an honest dream.

So on to the crazy stuff, I had a dream about a girl I was in love with she was my teacher my lover and my best friend. How she became my teacher, because I loved her so much I wanted to take care of myself just to be with her. I wanted her to realize I would sacrifice anything to love her. Even my own life my soul and everything. This dream where she was my best friend in different lives we were intertwined and incased in some crystal ice after passing in a coffin dead together. We held each other in eternity because our energies combined to finally meet a goal I only wanted my whole life. The only peace I want is to be with her to the very end.

I feel I have may already being with this girl now, but I'm very very quiet and subtle about this. I want this relationship to grow naturally I will not tell her anything. I don't tell anyone I'm dating nor my friends. This is the first time I'm mentioning it, because I want it to work for real.

She would come after I'm nearing wanting to kill myself from my madness that surrounded me. That despite the world being destroyed in my dreams everyone died and I got scared and she hugged me confidently and assured me "I'm not letting you go. You are precious to me. I don't care how mad you are at me and how much I may have hurt you. You were always here for me. I love you too much to let you walk away like that." She brought my fears about life and death away instantly, because she is who I loved all along and someone I wanted to live and experience life with.

this current girl gives me the same vibe, but like many other imposters, she maybe one as well.

this part of me, is where I criticize myself as psychotic, to almost break myself to many lengths of unneeded suffering. Like some ritual almost, but in the end, I find it rather some of it useless leaving me confused and left in despair about my existence altogether, but it's why I don't believe in love how everyone else does. This person even if she is real or not. She's real enough for me, she will appear in time when she does.

In a different dream related to her, she appears in a lot of my dreams. She's running from me a lot she wants me to find her in real physical form. She told me I won't recognize her and she won't to me either till we speak and open up. It will all work itself out, because it was supposed to not like I had a choice nor did she, but we aren't complaining. It's what we would of wanted anyways.

It creeps me out how people in my life who are "mediums" many don't understand, but the ones who do. Find out that about my "powerful experience" "your perfect" and lastly, "I never felt anything so powerful before ever in my life". These are usually grown people with much experience and wisdom behind them. People who are in their 40's to 80's also young people too. They say the same things, like it's they all know, but don't at the same time.

It really does creep me out how much of a bigger plan of something that I don't understand is revolving around me and everyone else. I don't know where this fits. I don't have a place to put it, so I don't put it in any category. It's neither spiritual nor scientific. I don't care what anyone else believes or thinks whether they want to or not.
I knew and loved this girl before anyone else had. That's why she picked me, I would fight and die in honor for her. I would be the best I can be and help protect myself and be a good person for her. Without her I'm un caged and wild and lost. I don't get angry or take it out on others. Just on myself, she knows how I am and knows who I am and feels she is going to be the one to replace all the loss I have currently in my life and fill me back with what I needed. Without holding my hand, she will scold me when I'm not in my right mind and she will know tough love when needed, and also knows when to hold on to me let me cry and let me help her. She knows because that's all she wanted and that simplicity made her life worth living.

Sorry I gotta go to bed.