Sillybean,
I'm sorry for the cards you and everyone else here were dealt. Being at the hands of abuse in no way translates to deserving what happened. I was also abused for years as a kid growing up. You have to overcome the despair, resentment, anger, and sadness by coming to terms with possibly never having the "why" answered. Its a long healing process and individual journey. I hope you find inner peace and stay safe my friend.