Thanks AzulOscuro

I do 'manage' in most situations I will allow myself to be in but I can't help but think of the joy of not needing to plan and have escape routes set up my partner on call make sure my fiddles and calming stones are in my pocket (thats the day before I go out) and just walk out the door go to a shopping centre I have never been to meet a group of friends.

I love my partner my job the study I'm doing so I have a career I absolutely adore where I live and the friends I do have are kind patient and loving after a big crash last year things are very slowly getting better and I'm feeling positive about my/our future for the first time in a long time

I guess maybe I mean the joy and happiness spontaneous adventures would bring!