My session Friday has left me feeling lost. Even though she said a couple of weeks ago that I was "right where you need to be.". ..

Friday I felt like she was miles away. I said that I didnt know what to talk about. Said I didn't want to bore her. She smiled and said Thank You. She seemed, overall, just disinterested. (Mentally planning her holiday picnic?)

I still can't talk about me. I censor my thoughts as not important, boring, stupid, etc. I know it's my job to talk. How do I do that when everything I think of seems unimportant?

I talked about a co-worker friend who I think is tired of me. She pointed out the common theme there. I know it is there. Knowing it isn't helpful.

I know it is there with her too and that she knows it. I think people get tired of me, regret the relationship, want to leave me. I sense it happening and then I feel like I've done something wrong.

It happens everywhere. Here on PC, too. I'll feel disconnected and wonder what I did or said. I review posts to see if something came out wrong unintentionally. I never know what it is that I've done so I can't make sense of what's happening.

Last week was a good session and I told her what I liked about it and one thing I didn't like. It was a hard session but I liked it. We talked about my being a mother, an unmarried mother, after I said I was a terrible mother. I liked that she helped me talk about that. During the session I thought she was not letting me talk enough; after, I realized she was reining me in a bit to look closer at some things that I would have run right past in my haste and my fear of looking. I came to appreciate that during the week and told her so. Also last week at the end she made a blanket statement about the joy of becoming a mother as if she was telling me how to feel or how I felt then and she's said it before. I don't like being told what I feel or felt. I told her this too. She seemed defensive.

I'd hoped to continue talking about what we were talking about last session. I want some continuum here. I sensed none yesterday. I felt like I was in the way in the way, unwanted, uninteresting. At the end she said "So, 3:00 next week?" . We have a standing appointment! What did <font color="#008800"> that </font> mean? Hoping I'd say no?!

What if she can't take my insecurity?