Thanks again, all, for the reality checks and support

He doesn't know how much paternity leave he'll take, doesn't know exactly when he'll decide.

I had trouble getting started, he asked what's making it difficult to talk. I said I didn't think he'd like what I have to say. I started to talk and then he interrupted me - he told me wanted to "frame the discussion" and at the outset, he had something to say and he knew it might influence what I said. He then just told me some things will be helpful to talk about and some things won't be. He didn't say what would be helpful and what wouldn't - just kept it vague.

This confused the heck out of me and I told him it seemed like a maze - if I went down the wrong path I'd be zapped. He said it was kind of like a maze (I don't think he understood what i meant.) I asked if it was ok to talk about the registry and he said no, he didn't think it would be helpful to talk about that personal information.

That felt awful. I cringed and said it's difficult.

I complained that he wants me to talk but then he puts all these conditions on what I can say.

He later clarified that he wasn't going to answer questions about personal things. He kept on reinforcing that. I felt so ashamed. Eventually I told him that it hurt me when he raised his voice and kept saying that. He said he was trying to reassure me he wasn't going to cross boundaries - I said it felt more like he was shaming me for crossing boundaries and making me feel like he thinks I'm some invading force he needs to protect against. I said it's perfectly natural for him to feel protective, but that I honestly didn't want to know.

It wasn't great. It certainly felt 100% different than the earlier session. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and he was pushing me away. It felt awful.

I tried to explain I wasn't trying to invade his life, I didn't want to ask about a bunch of personal things - I was just trying to figure out when I should expect him to leave and for how long. That was it.

I guess I'll wait and see.

I get the Pdoc thing -that it's my choice. I'm the one who asked for referrals. He told me that he'd have some for me, but then he didn't because all the people he called were unavailable. He said he'd keep making calls. I offered to just do it myself. He told me he thinks of it as his job to do it.

I ended up sending him an email thanking him for listening and thanking him for the nice things he said Tuesday. I feel like if I don't encourage him and show that gratitude that he's just going to get more and more annoyed with me. I know that's not my job, but I need him to be helpful and if it's my behavior that makes him so protective and defensive then I need to figure out a way to make things work. I then emailed some notes I wrote up about my reaction and how I'm linking it to things in my past.

I think maybe I ought to just take a break again, handle things myself, and maybe even end the therapy relationship. I feel like we're at a point where either I'm going to make a TON of progress since this is really core stuff for me, or we're going to derail completely and I'm going to end up in a really, really bad place. Honestly, I'm just really scared.

I'm glad to just have a place to vent and know other ppl who are familiar with therapy are out there. Not something I can just raise in conversation, y'know?