My parents took turns seeking me out as an ally. Each was looking for affirmation from me. In my mid-teens, I stopped being willing to commiserate with my mother, as though she were the victim. The withdrawal of affection that come about on the heels of that was very hurtful to me. Children should not be asked to take sides in their parents' troubled marriage. That shouldn't be the "price" of parental love. I became less and less willing to be an audience for one parent denigrating the other. They both did it. I find myself, even now, asking myself if that was really so bad. When that's all you know, it's hard to even figure out that this is not a normal part of being someone's daughter.

I loved both my parents. But what they seemed to want was not my love, so much as my being available to vindicate each of them. Of course, as I got older, I could see how much each contributed to the dysfunction. I even imagined that I could "counsel" them into a better relationship with each other. By the time I was mid-way through high school, all I wanted was to get out of that house.