Thank you all for the advice. I tried not to get too upset when talking to him about it but failed. Many times I've asked him if there was anything more I could do and he said no so reading this was quite a shock to me. I've always had very low self esteem made worse by abusive, toxic relationships with boyfriends, family, and almost anyone I've trusted or thought cared about me. This time it hurt worse than ever before because I truly believed him. He is the first man who has ever put thought into me and actually put effort into trying to understand me. He has been the most supportive person I've ever been close with and he's helped me through some incredibly traumatic experiences. Reading his response broke my heart because he lied so many times to reassure me that I was good enough. I've had nightmares and anxiety about our sex life for a couple of months. No matter how many times he has told me I satisfy him I've never felt like he was getting as much enjoyment as me and reading this was tremendously damaging. We've talked a lot about it and he swears he's more attracted to me now than he was when he filled this out in October. It's difficult for me to believe him because he lied before and because in my eyes I've changed very little since October. Lost a little weight and started dressing nicer but that's all. Prior to moving in together I was homeless. In the beginning of our relationship I was homeless and moved a couple hours away from our hometown. At this point we were both very unstable and we had to come over a lot of obstacles to begin a relationship. Immediately after meeting he went into inpatient treatment for PTSD and substance addiction at a VA hospital. Our first two months together we exchanged letter and enjoyed 5 hour visits on weekends. His treatment center was a short bus or train ride away from where I moved to start over near my dad. I got 3 jobs and moved in with one of my dads old friends. When I moved all I had was a backpack. Over the 2 month period that he was in treatment I worked and visited him every chance I got. I slowly began establishing myself again after months of homelessness and incredibly traumatic experiences. During my recovery he was my rock and stability. He helped me see my own worth and value. Something I'd never been able to see. I began to love myself. After completing treatment he moved another hour closer to the coast and away from our hometown. Almost immediately after this move he was forced to move back to his hometown. The "stable" environment he planned while in treatment turned out to be not very stable at all. He had planned to move in with his grandmother and cousin on the coast. After two days of an incredibly unstable and triggering environment he reluctantly told me he would be moving back to our hometown 2 hours away. I was upset but supportive. I told him I wouldn't follow him but we both agreed the distance wouldn't be an issue even so soon in our relationship because we had already overcome so much. Approximately a month later my roommates and I had a disagreement ending me back at square one. 3 jobs but no home and not enough money to live alone in such an expensive area. I was forced to return to my home town where all the traumas I was trying to escape had occurred. After a day or so in a home with my mother I experienced another traumatic attack and had no options but to live in my car. I began looking for a job but in my small town it wasn't going to be easy. After 2 weeks of staying on friends couches or in my car by the lake I still couldn't get into our only local homeless shelter. I finally got a part time job as a waitress. At this point he lived just down the street from my new job with a couple of family friends. I would stay a few nights with him but never wanted to over stay my welcome. After getting my first paycheck I was able to get a weekly rate hotel room. After Barely making enough to pay the first week I was distressed. He had come to stay with me almost every night so I wouldn't be alone or afraid. We discussed the idea of moving in together but at this point we had only been together 4 months. This is around the time he filled out the survey. After 4 weeks we realized we were paying more for a small hotel room with no kitchen and just a minifridge than we would for an apartment. We began looking for places and found a small one bedroom walking distance from my job. He paid the deposit and first months rent for us to move in and let me pay him back in small increments. He also paid my car registration and tickets from the previous owner amounting to $600. Overall he invested $1200 into getting me on my feet again. I've since repaid my debt as far as money goes but I know I can never repay the real gifts he gave me.. Love, support, faith, self-worth. He is the first person who ever truly got to know me and chose to love me despite all my hangups, baggage, and insecurities. I've always felt he was to good for me. A handsome army veteran studying for his masters in psychology. And me, an overweight previously homeless waitress with no friends and even hated by family. My own mother didn't want me and reminds me of it regularly. How could someone so smart, caring, handsome, kind, brave, and strong want me? I thanked the universe regularly for sending me something to hope for just in time. After we moved in to our home I began acquiring clothes and belongings again. I started dressing nicer and eating better and feeling prettier. I bought lingerie and for the first time in my life felt sexy. I stopped hating my body and for once actually authentically enjoyed pleasure from making love. Despite growing confidence my environment remained incredibly triggering. Passing memories anytime I left the house fogged my mind with insecurity and doubt. I began having nightmares about him with another woman and telling me he got no pleasure out of sex with me and could no longer be with me but would like to remain roommates. Every time my dreams woke me up crying he did his best to comfort and reassure me. Eventually I began feeling confident in our sex life again. Then, a little less than a week from our 8 month 'anniversary' I find this survey. It's been three days now and he's made love to me each night since and done his best to reassure me that he is attracted to me much more now than he was then. When I asked him what he wanted when he wrote that he said for me to diet and exercise. It hurt. I knew I was too fat for him and more or less he was finally admitting it. For the first two days I emotionally shut down. Went from crying to shutting down completely. He calmed my anxieties the best he could and held me and told me I had already lost some weight since then and I was good enough where I'm at now. I tried putting on lingerie again for him last night but new it was a mistake as soon as I opened the door. I no longer feel safe and sexy and comfortable baring my body in front of him. Despite his efforts to reassure me I feel fat, disgusting, and unattractive. I feel like it is a charade and he isn't truly getting the pleasure out of making love that I am. His reassurances simply don't feel authentic anymore. All the times he reassured me before all the while knowing he was lying. He wrote that in October but in October he swore I was beautiful and satisfied all his sexual desires. Now I know he was lying and it's making it impossible to believe anything he says regarding his sexual satisfaction or attraction to me. I don't know where to go from here. I love him still and am willing to change. I've already started dieting and we plan to be more active together. I've done this twice before. I've always been a little overweight and extremely tall. I'm not graceful or petite in any way. Busty, curvy, tall. Always. I've fluctuated losing and gaining 20-30 pounds since I turned 18. I've lost over 40 pounds in two relationships only to have them result the same each time.. Even after I lose weight and look the best I ever have the person I love still leaves me for someone else or would rather get pleasure from porn. No matter how much I improve my appearance it's never been enough for anyone. I've been forced into threesomes in past relationships, forced to leave the room while my love looked at porn and showed no sexual interest in me whatsoever, cheated on repeatedly while I blindly loved them never knowing their infidelity until the relationship was over, been manipulated and used for money and support, physically abused because I couldn't handle the emotional trauma after being forced into a threesome by the man who supposedly loved me and fathered my daughter, forced to listen from my bedroom to my mother and stepfather while they had sex so loud even my music at highest volume wouldn't drown them out, held hostage and stripped of my clothes then choked when I talked back.... All of these traumas made for a pretty emotional unstable girl who never truly got enjoyment from sex. Then I met my boyfriend and he didn't try anything for two months. So innocent we slept in the same bed and he only tried to kiss me. He respected me. He learned about who I was and listened to me before trying to enjoy me. When we finally made love I suddenly understood what all the fuss was about. I finally enjoyed pleasure from something that in my past had caused me so much pain. And more important than that.. Someone finally enjoyed me. During one of our many deep conversations on the path to understanding one another we discussed sex and our history and enjoyment or lack thereof. He revealed to me he had never truly enjoyed sex and had discussed it with more than one psychiatrist. At 31 he's just discovering and realizing some of the reasons. In his young years he was exposed to graphic sexual content via porn and his father. His father discussed sex with him at an age younger than generally appropriate as if he was one of "the guys". His father also shared with him his disgust for bigger women, or "fat chicks". Contrastingly his mother was a "prude" for lack of a better term. She made him feel sex was disgusting, immoral, and unsafe. His father encouraged him to have as much casual sex with as many girls as possible so he wouldn't end up with the wrong one. His mother encouraged him to be choosy and question whether he would like a baby with the women he chose to have sex with. His parents slept in separate beds but remained married for his sake until he was 19 and his father passed away in his arms from cancer. What resulted in a Nate was a disgust with sex altogether and a reluctance to enjoy or sleep with two many women and never a "big" woman. His few sexual encounters resulted from serious long term relationships not always healthy but always emotionally invested. With petite women. During his late teen years and early twenties he was falsely accused of rape twice and proven innocent but it installed in him a fear of sexual encounters while inebriated and dominating in any way sexually. After this he began a monogamous relationship that resulted in an unexpected pregnancy. The relationship was toxic and far off from remotely healthy. She gave him an ultimatum to marry her or never know his son. He married her quickly and then shortly after was recruited into the army. During his 3 years serving another unexpected pregnancy occurred and his daughter was born. Shortly after he had a vasectomy. Knowing he never wanted more than 2 children and absolutely no more unexpected pregnancies from the wife who was less than loving he did it without consulting her. While on leave in Iraq she spent all of his money on herself and belongings. A chunk of money at Victoria's Secret for items he never even saw. She emotionally damaged her children and began studying psychology to use it against her husband. After returning from Iraq his wife almost died from being mistreated for depression. He recognized her symptoms immediately and saved her life. She thanked him by destroying him mentally any way she could. After being honorably discharged from the military they moved to our hometown and made one last attempt to save their marriage. He finally gathered the nerve to divorce her and she responded with his greatest fear. She took hid children. She lied and manipulated her way into a restraining order and even attempted to brain wash his children into believing he was violent. Due to his PTSD and the testimony of her less than truthful family his kids were eventually taken. Despite a testimony from even his wife's own father that de was lying the court refused to grant visitation aside from court supervised hourly visits. His wife used what she learned from his psychology books against him. She told him he would never see his children again if he wasn't with her. For two years after he fought and did everything he could. He managed to get granted a few visits but when he missed a court date due to his service connected disability and literally being unable to move the court decided he must not care about his children and granted her everything she was asking. Even after receiving a doctors note the judge wouldn't change his judgement. At this point he turned to drugs for comfort and soon enough was arrested. Now he knew he would really never see his kids unless he did something extreme. He signed up for treatment for substance abuse and PTSD through the VA. This is when me met and began dating. He has since completed treatment and we've been living together sober and in recovery since late October. He spoke to his children for the first time since Christmas 2013 on Christmas 2014. He still hasn't seen them or spoken to them again since Christmas. Because of all these traumas sex is generally the last thing on his mind and is associated with a lot of grief. I try to understand this and I've been supportive in any and every way I know how.. But my own insecurities have gotten the best of me since reading the survey and now I'm asking an opinion from all of you. I know it's a lot to read and a lot to expect from strangers but I don't know a single person in the world other than my boyfriend who's judgement I trust so I'm hoping someone out there will read this and be able to tell me how I can trust him again and regain what I lost when reading that survey. I love him and I don't want to lose him but I feel inadequate and I don't know how to make that feeling go away. I don't want it to destroy this relationship like it has so many others..

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