Sorry for asking for help again. and for the wall of text!
I had to relocate at my parents' house (temporarily), I'm in my early twenties. I've seen my T for about 1 year and I love her (as my T, not in a romantic way) and I have healthy attachment right now. She's always been supportive and most of the times understands me very well. Offered me free sessions when I moved out and was financially in trouble, kept me in longer if needed, adapted to my schedule. I'm in a difficult moment as I had to go back to my abusive home but she is being very helpful. I saw her today, good session and I should be fine but tonight I found out my mother read all my diaries and the writings I did while working in therapy. they are really bad. I have a history of ed and years long csa, which my family doesn't (didn't?) know about. I came back home and found all my things messed up, I felt so violated. I can't stop thinking about suicide as I can't move away now.
Contact outside sessions wasn't allowed at first and I really hate to cross boundaries. I contacted her twice so far, once for emergency (I was bein molested at work) and she got back to me right after and during winter holidays and never made me feel bad about that. Then she told me I could contact her if I needed her. So another time I emailed her after disclosing details about csa as I was having nightmares and panic attacks. Now I really want advice or just text her (well not in the middle of the night) as I want to die or hide forever and I'm desperate. I feel like my life is really over and I feel totally naked and threatened. I can't sit with it for another seven days.. on the other hand I really feel banned to contact her, especially during the weekend. I would like to just ask for an earlier session for urgent advice. I don't want to take advantage of her time or get a phone call. I just can't stay like this. But I feel I might be a pain in the neck. after all she's done for me, I hate to have her hear from me outside sessions. Don't know what to do.. any suggestions? I just want to disappear. I took tons of pills tonight which I never did before. I can't believe this has happened. thanks...