(((((ECHOES)))))

I can relate. I often feel like my therapist must be bored and wants to push me away or flee from me. I don't have any "proof" of that. It is a feeling. And sometimes I feel like I'm not doing all the work I could be doing, feel useless or like I'm not adding anything to the process --- other than my "core" desire to "thrive" instead of just "survive" this life.

Since I've been on break, I keep thinking that she is realizing how much better it has been without me and she will be disappointed by my return. I gave her a list of questions a little over a week ago and one of the questions I asked her was: On a scale of 0 to 10 (with me acknowledging that it may not exist at all) how aware are you of a desire to push me away from a “subconscious level”?

She might have some desire to push me away...but she is human (as sister said)...why wouldn't she because it isn't always comfortable or easy to work with me? But being she is a "therapist" is it part of her job to keep it in perspective and work through it. She might not be 100% all the time, but it doesn't mean she doesn't care less. Just as when I or you aren't 100%, it doesn't mean we care about someone less. I dunno.

The last question on the list I gave her was: "Seriously, why do you care what happens to me?"

Sometimes the T and client relationship won't always be perfect and sometimes may be "difficult and awful". But, usually there are a good amount of times when it isn't. If I never saw some connection or sign that my therapist "got it", I'd probably have left a long while ago. She doesn't always "get it", for various reasons that may be because she needs more information or because "today she isn't able". (I guess it is a good thing she isn't a surgeon, because i'd rather not have a surgeon operate on me when she was having an "off" day).

i don't know if this applies to you...but know you aren't alone in feeling some of these things.

every person's input in this forum, in the short time i've been here, has had value and your words and experiences are valuable. much has come from this forum to nudge me toward believing or giving me a sign that emotions and feelings and fears and behaviors i have are not just something that is isolated to me and it brings some normalization.

thank you for your words and experiences. Your experiences truly echo, Echo.