Girllazy,

First off, it was possible you could be sexually abused with no chance of getting pregnant. Intercourse is not the only type of sexual abuse. A lot of people tend to think if they were "only" touched it wasn't "really" abuse... that's not true. Any invasion of our space and breaking of parental boundaries IS abuse.

Two, it is possible your father was very angry as you approached adolescence... because of sexuality issues or because of behavior issues or because of his own stuff. Teenage years are USUALLY stressful and people do take that out in violence. Beatings are abuse, too... this is not an either or situation.

Don't discount your feelings... about being molested or not. You will figure out this all in it's own time. One thing I have learned over the past fifteen years of puzzling over this abuse stuff is that the "big picture" is a LOT more informative than we give it credit for.

For instance, I spent many years obsessing over whether or not my "recovered" memories of sa were "true". This obsessing kept me blind to other abuse... physcial, sexual and emotional, that was OBVIOUS. I think I just wasn't ready to see it... so I obsessed over the things I could possibly discount... eventually it all became clear, tho.

In your case, you are describing an out of control father -- I mean, geesh, all you did was make too much noise when you had a guest... certainly NOT cause to drag you from the room or do ANYTHING that would cause your cousin to hear you screaming -- what an awful memory for you BOTH.

And now your cousin refuses to discuss this incident... that indicated a closed family system very much in denial. Put that together with the beatings and memory gaps and it is pretty obvious you were mistreated.

Sorry to be so blunt... hope this helps. L