I am so torn and sad. I think that my therapist doesn't understand me. And, honestly, I don't understand myself all that well (I was sort of hoping that therapy would help with that), so it doesn't feel like an easy thing to fix.

Last week I wrote here about "therapist expectations". And, I managed to bring it up. And... before he would answer, he told me that he didn't think it was "helpful" for me to talk about "this" (pointing to me and him, so I assume he meant the therapeutic relationship, or maybe what happens in therapy?). He thinks that it takes focus away from what's happening in my "real life", which frankly, is not much (it's a very boring life!).

Sigh. He's said this before. And, it feels crazy to me. It seems to me that a big part of therapy, at least for me, is being able to openly talk about what's happening in therapy. It feels - saner - to be able to do that. Versus, me just guessing, or worrying, or misinterpreting things. It seems like talking about this stuff is exactly what I need to be doing. Last time it came up, I can't remember what we're talking about, but I made a comment like... "It seems like *this* - this negotiating the relationship - is maybe what I need" - and he agreed, but re-framed it as establishing safety.

The second part of this to me is... he's not really seeing why I needed to ask. He's more concerned that I'm "not talking about real life" - when I think he should be paying attention to what's going on, which is, when I'm coping badly or having negative symptoms - I'm not coming in and talking about them, but more than that, I genuinely don't understand whether I can and should. You know what I mean? The other post talked a lot more about it, but I'd think, if I were a T, I'd WANT to talk about that, rather than saying, "well, it's not helpful to talk about this".

I mean, if you were a therapist, wouldn't you want to know that your client was feeling so uncertain about what they're supposed to do in/with therapy, that even though they were coping badly they didn't understand whether or not that was OK/expected to talk about?

Then, we began talking about what goals he has for me, which were basically"
- increase my happiness
- decrease my anxiety
- increase my connections in the world.

And, while all that sounds lovely - it also sounds very generic. Couldn't we give those goals to just about anyone in therapy? It felt like, after six months, he really doesn't know me that well

I am really torn. There are things he does well, and I believe that he wants to be helpful. So far, he's the only T I've seen who has been able to help keep me grounded and pull me back from drifting off into dissociative states, which feels huge. I've also told him more about my stuff then any other T.

And right now, I just feel like - what's the point?

Do you feel understood in therapy? Do you feel like your T fundamentally gets you? I don't know, just feeling lost and sad over all this... next session on Monday, and I'm very much not wanting to go back