I went to see my pdoc last week, and we had kind of a weird conversation. She usually just asks about the last month, moods, sleep, med effects, then gives me some kind of advice and we are done, in usually 10-15 minutes.

So I'm nearing the end of 3 years of monitoring at work because i had a mixed episode where i did a bunch of drugs in a semi-suicide/not care if i live through it kind of way, and ended up in hospital. Because of the type of drugs i used, the hospital called the addictions doc, who met with me and diagnosed addiction, even though the drug use was only for 3 days. The reason for this was because 13 years before that, i went through a period of drug addiction, which started with soft drugs at age 13, and ended with hard drugs at age 20. I was totally clean for 6 years after that, completed my undergrad and started working as a nurse. Then started to drink socially, and had no issue with it for the next 7ish years. Got my masters during that time. So then i had this mood episode, relapsed on the hard drugs for 3 days, and boom, rediagnosed an addict and got my license suspended, even though i had been on a medical leave and not working anyway. So after 3 weeks in hospital i had to do 5 weeks in rehab, and then 3 years of monitoring with random urine drug screens, forced meeting with a case manager and employee health, forced 12 step meetings, and forced med compliance (must see pdoc monthly and she has to sign a form saying i am stable and on meds). Anyways, this finally ends in May. My pdoc thinks it was unfair because the drug use happened during an episode as part of the impulsivity of the episode, and i think it was very unfair too. I wasn't planning to use drugs again anyway, and i wanted treatment for my bipolar.

So fast forward to now, it's almost over, and pdoc wants to know what happens after that. I think i will try to drink socially, and if it causes me any problems i will quit and be sober, and no plan to use drugs. She supports that plan totally. So she asked me to tell her about my addiction in my teens because we never talk about it, and what finally made me quit. So i told her a couple of pretty awful stories from the end that sent me into rehab at 20. She said that sounded terrifying, and i should talk to kids to scare them straight. I said i don't want to do that, because i don't think you can scare kids straight. Besides, i work in a mental health and addictions program for youth, so i talk to kids about this stuff all the time, i just don't tell them about my experiences. That was many years ago, and was a dark time, and not how i self-identify now.

The thing that was ironic is that i have been thinking of coming out and talking or writing about my experiences with bipolar to help others, especially other health care professionals, but i hadn't told her that. And she brought this up, which gave me a lot of shame that this is how she thinks of me. Then she says to remember that if i use hard drugs again it's very dangerous (um, obviously!) - pretty insulting that she thinks she needs to tell me that. So i told her that i know, and that when i used them 3 years ago i wasn't planning to live through it, so i didn't care about the consequences. She didn't say anything after that.

I tie all the drug use in my teens to untreated bipolar instability, and that's what i really feel i have fought to overcome. So her reaction hurt my feelings, and made me feel vulnerable, and i left and just tried to forget about it. Maybe i shouldn't talk to anyone about any of this, because no one understands, and it's all stereotypes and assumptions, which gives me internalized stigma.

Was my reaction to all of this normal or over sensitive? I feel judged, even though that's not what she intended. But judged by her, and judged by the system that has been monitoring and controlling me for 3 years.

I just want to get away from all of it. I don't want to be a patient anymore. Feeling so done.