Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliope
i am unclear as to what you interpreted her perception of you to be, that you felt shame over. regarless, your feelings are valid. feelings are always valid.
i dont know if i am off base here, but what i get from this is that you are not an addict and do not wish to be perceived that way. sure, you may have partied hard, but you were self medicating a unaddressed mental health issue. not the same.
i see a difference there. i drank very heavily for a few years in my teens. quit then for a couple more years then got sober and was so for 13 years before i started drinking socially. I looked like the classic alcoholic. i had black outs, but i was drinking specifically to black out. i needed to shut down what was going on in my mind. i rarely drink today. ive got vodka in my fridge ive had for two years. i will be majorly stressed and think how much i need a drink then got home and totally forget i was going to have one. NOt an alcoholic. '
i am sorry that you have had this struggle going on in your life and are made to feel this way. take care.  |
I'm unclear why i felt judged too, but that's what it felt like. Like she had fit me into some sort of reductionist category of people, when i see myself differently. She has said all along that she doesn't view me as substance dependent, but instead in long term recovery with a little blip while unwell. So this felt like she was viewing me that way, and it bothers me. So many things have happened over the years with this illness, and some make sense to me and some don't. But i view myself as a survivor of the mental health system, because overall it has probably caused me at least equal, if not more harm than good. Maybe that's not true, but that's how it feels right now. That i've been taught to label myself by disorder, and i've been told what i can and cannot do. And those limitations aren't necessarily true. Kids could probably benefit from hearing my story, but i don't want to be seen as some sort of interesting specimen by anyone. I think most of this reaction is just misplaced anger towards the system of monitoring for work, which isn't really fair to project on my pdoc, because she was just asking questions. 3 months and 3 weeks remain, and i'll see how i feel then. I'm sure it will feel a lot better than it does now.