Sorry in advance for this being such a long post. Hopefully it's not too annoying.

This is a topic that I have really have only had insight about since I started meds.

Work and school was something that I had always had some degree of difficulty with. Looking back I did seem to find a way to deal with it, though I didn't 100% understand it at the time. I would get to school everyday (my attendence was always near perfect) and do somewhat well, but when I got home...that was it. I couldn't do much else. No studying, no homework, no sports, etc. I just stayed in my room..either listening to music, watching TV or just falling apart mentally/emotionally.

This continued into my work life to some degree, though without the rigid structure of school I didn't fair as well.

My downward mood swings became such an issue. When they happened it became almost impossible for me to interact with people. Sometimes I would find places to hide. I had one job where I just got in my car and drove home and never returned. Usually I would just muddle along. I would do OK for awhile, but having to hide or not interact well would lead to issues obviously. These were all fairly basic low paying jobs.

Eventually, I woke up one day with the thought in my head "What the hell are you doing? You are much smarter than this". This lead to a period of time where I lost a lot of weight, about 90 lbs (I had been 305 and got to 215). I went back to school (there was other happenings at this time, but that's a longer story. I so often wonder if this was a period of hypo mania. It pains me to think that it was.

It took awhile, but I did graduate with a bachelors in Accounting. I did well in school, which lead to a job with the top public accounting firm in northern New England. I also passed the CPA exam within 4 months. With such an accomplishment, I felt pretty optomistic. Reality hit pretty hard once I was actually working and going to clients. The same issues I had always had were just as presesent. I needed to hide. I couldn't interact with people. This was a really tough time because I had accomplished so much.

I was let go in less than a year.

I went to another smaller firm, and did OK for awhile. After about 2 years they also let me go.

Right now, I am working at a hospital as an accountant, and I've been here a bit over 2 years.

Luckily, I finally was diagnosed and have been on meds for about the last 1.5 years. My work performance was helped a lot, though I still have periods of problem times. I still need to hide, and have difficulty interacting, but it is less severe and less frequent. Honestly, I have a lot of anxiety that I will be let go at any moment, even though I am told I am doing well here.

I am really lucky to be somewhat bright, which compenates for a lot of my issues. It's a good and a bad thing, because I know I could have accomplished much more if I hadn't been bipolar. It takes a lot of your time when you have to run and hide, and spend way too much time thinking about killing yourself.

These were all things I never realized until I successfully found help.

There is hope.