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jinnyann said:
i still dont feel grown up.......

i feel like curling up on my grandads knee (who has passed away) and sucking my thumband watching tommy cooper on tv like we used to in the days before i knew pain and insecurity. i want to be stroked onmy head by my grandad and fall asleep on his lap while he sang to me. i want to wake up tomorrow morning and bounce on his bed til he tickled me and carried me downstairs to make a bacon butty and a pot of tea. i want to then go to the park and fall over and cry and he would make it all better again. dear grandad why did you leave me i never got over you, i still love you the best, i still talk to you, can you hear me? can you still love me?
i loved you so much grandad, i cry as i write about you, i miss you so much still. you were the most special person in the world to me and always will be along with my children. i hope you are happy and free of your arthritis wherever you are. please be with me when i sleep tonight, hold my hand like you used to and sing gently to me in your lovely geordie accent. i loved that you caled me jinnyann, but never knew why - but one day i'll see you again and ask you. cuddles from ynite nite bonny lad - til we meet again.
our jinnyann and a big kiss on your whiskery cheek i always remember your grey goatee and used to stroke it when i sucked my thumb.

your jinnyann xoxoxoxoxo

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what wonderful tribute and prayer to your granddad. i can just feel your love for him emanating from your words, as sure and warm as a loving hug.

i too don't feel grown up AT ALL. I'm locked at age 16. I am 33 years old chronologically and when I look in the mirror I can see that I'm 33. But when I just sit in my body, I am 16. There was never any resolution to some of the worst traumas that happened to me...and I was 16...and so I'm caught in a loop...like a record skipping.

(And..............i still occasionally suck my thumb to go to sleep. It makes me feel really "unstable" to be still sucking my thumb at 33.)