this is still a struggle and i'm walking around feeling crazy....

.....but I realized everything I am feeling and every way I am feeling it right now is EXACTLY how I've been all my life (well at least after 5)......so I look at this and think I can walk up to my therapist and say "This is what I've had to live with for so long....this is why I hate myself....this is why I think everyone must hate me and want me gone....putting up with my insanity and my stupid ability to not get it."

I remember once (a month or so after I got out the psychiatric ward in the hospital for suicide when I was 17) my mother told me:
(1) "I make life miserable". (literally she said that. it came out badly and I try to defend her sometimes saying she really meant that "life feels miserable for me (me as in me "Ipse Dixit") because of my attitude and negativety but you don't have to allow it to be).

(2) she also said no one knows how to live around me because they feel like they have to "walk on eggshells" around me.

I didn't have much to respond to being told I make life miserable. I just remember walking away and going into my basement bedroom.

My emotions feel that everyone here must be just sick of hearing me. My logic says, I have no way of knowing how others feel. But as I've mentioned in other places....my emotions have more power over me and doesn't speak the logic language so cannot grasp things.

Right now I feel like everyone on this forum is probably sick of me complaining about my break from my therapist and will be glad when she and I finally set up a session so I will stop whining and go away.

I'm sick of living with myself....i always tell people that at least they don't have to live with me 24-7 like I do...i can't escape the loathsome, evil, dirty, vile sickly, stupid, putrid beast that i see in the mirror...........i just want to take a sledgehammer and bring it down on my skull!!!!!! God I hate myself!!!!!