hey. our childhood sounds kinda sorta similar. my mother had been married already and had 4 kids from that marriage. my father had been married already but didn't have any kids. when they got married my mother had me. she said (to me) that it was for him. because he didn't have a child. he used to lament a lot about the family name ('cause i wasn't a boy). but really... i think they were just words and the situation was a lot more complicated than that.

my mother was quite good with babies, apparently. thats what my father said at any rate. my mother was great with babies until... they started asserting their own individuality. until... they were old enough to assert their preferences / needs / desires. at that point she simply couldn't cope. i always remember her as being invasive. but i think it was more complicated than that. basically, she used to cling to me when she needed comfort (which felt invasive to me) and she used to push me away when she needed space (which felt rejecting - though i don't remember this i just remember wanting her to get the hell away from me). thats probably because around that time... i shifted my attachment to my father.

my father didn't know what to do with me / how to be around me, basically. i remember him as being fairly fearful / ruminative. not much of a talker. but kind and gentle. intense emotion would produce an aversive response in him, however. he was averse to my mother... i don't exactly remember him being averse to me... but i remember always being calm and kind and good and well behaved around him. wanting him to accept me, i guess.

i think that what you say about your parents would have impacted on you quite significantly. sometimes the message we get is that it isn't okay to be authentic. to express ourself authentically. because when we did do that they rejected us or tried to get us to stop it by inducing shame or they abused us in other ways. so we can grow up with this sense that we don't have a core self. we don't know who we are. because we had to dissociate from / repress it as a child in order to get what care we could...

later... i guess the hope is that therapy will help you rediscover some of those feelings. and in expressing them hopefully your therapist can give you a different ending. then all of a sudden these other options open up to you. things you want to do that would never have occurred to you before. motivation and passion. those kinds of things. it can be so very hard, though.

i've realised that acting out is inevitable. i can try and think and think and think so i can express it verbally and not act out. but... acting out in inevitable. and... its okay to act like a two year old. its okay to disagree. its okay for me to disregard some of what he says. he won't be invasive. i think that might be what it is really about. he won't invade me. and he won't run from me or lash out and hurt me if i show him some of these feelings inside.

its hard because i guess they are very primitive to start with. because i've dissociated from them for so long i've never learned to regulate them into an adult form that helps me. very primitive and very strong. there is shame in that. i can understand that it is okay to feel pride in your achievements. but he said something... and i felt this unrestrained grandiosity... masked it. dissociated from it. felt shame (horror actually) and dissociated from it. but... i'm gonna have to feel it (act it out a little) and see that its okay. its okay to feel that way. and in accepting it in its intense form... i'll be able to shape it into something more adult. eventually. self pride. healthy self esteem.

its so hard.