yeah. its possible that i leaked more than i was aware of. actually... with the grandiosity thing i did catch a little bit of a smirk (horror!) but then it was gone. i think he saw that... so eased up.

i've been thinking about that a lot. about what happened there. about the two kinds of mirroring transference. i can't remember the words... but it was like what he was saying was said then he would assess my response. he was trying to figure out what i needed from him. (i couldn't tell him because i really didn't know). idealising? no. no reaction. twinship? he said something about understanding where i was coming from... but i didn't believe him. might have grimiced. possibly. or... no reaction. then there was something weird.

w.

maybe he is pushing me a little... testing me a little... to see how integrated i can stay under pressure.

it is so tempting to revert to 'w. felt. but not me. NOT ME. THAT WASN'T ME. I'D RATHER RUN THROUGH BURNING COALS THAN FEEL THAT WAY'.

so tempting.

unrestrained grandiosity.

the horror.

shame hurts.

i don't know why. it hurts.

he eased up. but maybe he will return to it. i think i manage to mask perfectly... but i'm sure i leak too. i'm sure i do. maybe the difference between us is my denial.