Shame is such a burden and I can't shake it. So heavy to lug around!

My mother also "force" fed me, told me what I liked and what I thought and what I felt, controlled everything including bodily functions. Any time I wanted something different or just wanted, needed, it was shamed. How selfish to want, need.

I am here because my father was the last male and wanted a male to carry on the name. My mother didn't want more. She had 2 by the first marriage and one by him. She did physical things to cause miscarriages several times and decided to rent a professional sander when pregnant with me. I always assumed it was an attempt to miscarry again, but it didn't work.

What I meant when I was saying about the future .. was that you don't know when it will happen or how you will feel at that time. If you and he part when you are ready, that would be very different from parting when you aren't ready. It's a scary thought right now because you wouldn't be ready right now. Could be something that will happen after celebrating much success and growth and healthiness, and at a time you are ready and comfortable with it... at least I hope that is how it goes for you.


ECHOES