i read through the entire terrible twos thread and that feels very familar to me....my therapist always talks about the "push and pull" that a child does with the parent....and she has specifically said I do that with her all the time....(and, personally, I think I test her ALL the time.)

when I "look at" my 5 year old, I see boy who is soft (as in gentle), and he loves to play, dance and sing, and draw and read stories and sit on our "therapeutic beach" or walk on that "beach" barefoot with his "mom" (i.e. whoever is the caregiver/guardian of the moment - such as my therapist or "the rest of me"). He LOVES to hug (though I've denied him of that love, pretty much <u>entirely</u> over the past several months, to which he "says" to me, in a playful tone, "That's silly.") And I have seen him get sad, not "depressed" but sad and I've seen him lonely and I want to scoop him up and take him somewhere safe (take him to the therapist or trundle him off to our "therapeutic beach") He can be "chatty", but that isn't his norm. And he does occasionally have a "rascal" or "mischievous" side to him, but never with malicous intent. And he has colossal curiosity (a constant need to inspect, take apart, turn over and ask the who, what, when how, where and especially "why" questions). in his gentleness and softness he also loves to care and nurture others. he could be soothing to me and cheer me (probably just by writing about "him" he has done some of that).

but part of me won't let him be "real" or just thinks the "5 year old" is a dead part of me, a ghost or apparition, or just a memory and not something tangible anymore. this could be because part of me wants to protect that 5 year old at all costs....to keep those qualities I wrote about above intact.

plus, part of me feels, I don't want the 5 year old to be taking care of me. because it feels like it should be the other way around....someone should be taking care of that 5 year old. it is "the child shouldn't care for the parent" mentality and probably some "upset in me" that this "5 year old" didn't get the care he should have gotten growing up and part of me feels that 5 year old deserves to be the one who gets taken care of.

One of the very eariest sessions I had with my therapist was one with me "imaging" scenes from my life. And in that image, I emerged from my basement bedroom into the backyard of my childhood home. I saw myself as 16 and there was also a "supportive" voice in the image too...a blend of my therapist and another individual who I knew at 16. And I emerged into that backyard, I saw the 5 year old me sitting alone on the cement, perfectly content and drawing circles around himself with chalk, in the warm sunshine. And he was very gentle. While the 5 year old didn't know "me", he wasn't afraid. He just was content to be sitting there alone and drawing circles in chalk. Eventually we began to wander the yard and ventured toward the front and toward the curb. And it turned out that the entire universe was void of people or animals, except this 5 year old, the 16 year old and the "supportive voice". That is how it all organically emerged in my therapy work early on. And before "me and my therapist" went into that vision, it seemed that the 16 year old and the "supportive" voice didn't exist in the universe either.......so that 5 year old was completely alone in that big universe.

That all came out somewhere in just one of our early therapy sessions (maybe the 3rd or 4th or 5th). I "met" the 5 year old and realized he had been alone all this time. I was 30 when I started therapy with current therapist and so that meant for 25 years this 5 year old has been sitting alone, drawing circles in the cement with chalk...content and not entirely aware he was alone, but still aware enough to feel something missing -- like he was waiting for someone to come, expecting someone to come and "sure" someone would come, yet kind of somber and maybe "numbed" for being so long without anyone. There is more to that first "therapeutic vision" of the 5 year old, but then again there has been a lot that the 5 year old has shown me in the past 3 years of therapy.

I think perhaps part of my terror does truly come from wanting to keep that 5 year old safe. in some ways, all through my life, I have buried this part of me so deep that i myself haven't known of his existence...because if I'm not even aware of "where he is" or that "he exists at all", then no one does and he cannot be hurt. hidden from the world and even from myself. perhaps thinking that he is 'just a memory" or a "ghost" now and not really "me" anymore, is that...me trying to keep him safe by "not knowing he exists"

why is this so difficult for me? what is the piece I'm missing?