I'm surprised that there aren't more threads on here about this disorder. Is it not very common? Can it be self treated, maybe?

Well, I think this might match me well. I have been feeling...strange for some years now. I've noticed that I'm very anxious and feel weird around people, even my friends. I like them and want them to know that, but hanging out usually feels like a stressful obligation. More times than not I cancel on going to see them. I am kind of a hermit. I want to be alone but then sometimes I want companionship as well; I want someone whom I can be alone with. I end up having crushes on guys who are probably like me (like to be alone, have a personality that people consider weird). I feel like they'd be able to understand me best. I've heard that when you have some sort of PD you end up attracting people with one too. So I worry that I won't be able to find a fulfilling relationship because I'll only feel a spark with people who also suck at relationships and we will send mixed messages all the time and be alone forever while longingly looking at each other and knowing that we'll never be together.

I also feel like most people are nice to me but really talk about me behind my back and don't really like me. I know that everyone talks about others but it doesn't mean that they are specifically targeting them or that they hate them. But I have had a few incidents of being targeted when I was younger that stayed with me so now I'm sure that most people think this way about me. I know that when I walk by a group of women and they start laughing that they're laughing at me and they want me to know. I end up being really self conscious around others about my hair, my smell, if something is in my teeth, if I sat in something, if I'm doing something that normal people don't do. Being fun and quirky is one thing but I'm mortified when my antics make others look at me funny and I just want to hide. I want to hide at work half of the time too. I know that most of my life people don't notice these things about me but I feel I have to be vigilant because when I am not that's the day that everyone will notice all of my flaws and laugh behind my back but smile and tell me that they like my hair or something just to get me. Typing that just made me want to have a drink. I usually need a drink to enjoy being around people and not anxious.

I don't particularly care about everyone liking me. People get that wrong about me a lot. I'm not a people pleaser because I just need acceptance from others. I'm very much a loner. I just don't want to be embarrassed, the brunt of someone's joke, people to tell other people how awkward I am and have to show everyone all of my flaws, things like that. I feel like other people have flaws and it's normal but when I do it's the perfect time for people to pity me and make fun and have something to talk about with friends. It's weird because people like me a lot. They always compliment me about my good qualities, but maybe I worry that they will immediately hate me if I'm different than they imagine.

One thing that people have often said is that they need a translator when talking to me. I am great at writing but talking without first preparing results in me throwing out keywords and hoping that you can figure out what I'm trying to say. I do this because most people are too impatient to wait for me to formulate something more coherent. I also have issues with memory and retaining things correctly. At work people just think that I'm ditsy and not paying attention enough but I am really worried about it. If I don't obsess over remembering times, dates, and other info I end up mixing them up. I have to have multiple to do lists and alarms but I still mess up and I get called out at work for this a lot. It's one of my nightmares. Sometimes I feel like I need a life guide who can keep track of everything that I need to do, tell me when I'm weird, show me how to have intimacy like a normal person, what is an acceptable amount of alone time, etc.

This was long but this is the gist of it. Not really sure what I can do about it or if I'm just being overly sensitive and there's nothing really wrong. Anyone else like this?