yep, shame is hard. sounds like we had similarly controlling mothers. hard to face / find oneself when one is not accepted for what one is. repress... avoid... dissociate... whatever we have to do to gain some acceptance. shame inhibits action too. if one is running around exploring shame will make one hang ones head and cease action. toxic shame (intense and frequent) results in less play behaviour. less role plays (part of figuring out who one is / wants to be) less exploration (and opportunity for positive experiences). shame can be so very hard...

there is a saying:

better to be despised for what one is than loved for what one is not.

i have trouble with that saying. its a bit like saying it is better to be left in the wilderness to die for what one is than given some semblance of love for playing the good kid and trying to conform of whatever we need from our parents in order to get it.

maybe the idea is that as adults we can become liberated from that. i don't think so. more likely to despise ourself for what we are which leads to depression and withdrawal and eventually despair. sigh. what a crappy world.

i hear what you are saying about parting when i'm ready. trouble is that that doesn't seem to be on the cards. it will end when i move (will have to after finishing up my studies over the next year or so). or if i do the exchange thing that will be a one year break at the very least. basically... i can't see us working together for more than 2 years. and could be... as little as 2 months. i guess he is putting in the reality check. i never really thought about it but i know he is right. we don't have very long together at all. not when you consider how majorly %#@&#! up i am.

he said something about how he hopes i get blah de blah blah to take with me when i go. something about how i can bring that stuff into my next therapy relationship. he knows he is only here for part of the time. it hurts. it hurts. it hurts so much.