Ok here's the things...

Lately when i come to work and open my mailbox, i sort of anticipating a "You are fired!" email from management because i don't do my job properly..

I start working with this company since 2012 (in my home country) and they send me to work in HQ in UK for about a year and i come back to my home country November last year... One think that this should boost confident level but it didn't..i feel more worried than before...

I feel like sooner or later they would realize that my skills are terrible and i am always afraid that i made a mistake during my job..even a simple task (like sending email to customer) makes me feel like it is a torture and i need someone to double check for me to make me feel better..
Nowadays, i take longer to complete the task given because i am so worry that i make a mistake..or it is not good enough and not up to standard..

Rationally i know that i am capable of doing my works, but i can't shake the feeling of being fake..

I dunno how to explain..i feel like a fake person when i am in front of others, i fake my personality (all smiling friendly person), i fake my confident level and so many other things.. I am so different when i am alone, a lonely avoidant person.. I can maintain my "office personality" by the thought that i will have my personal space when i come back home..well, nothing changes on that part..i still have my personal time.. but i just realize how much i don't like to spent time with people more than what i think necessary because i don't want them to see the real me..

last week i went to vacation with my friend, just the two of us so naturally we will spent most of the times together.. We went for 4 days and during the trip i can see myself being more distant.. I found him becoming more annoying and try to distance myself from him.. he doing nothing wrong honestly, except that spending time with me more than i can tolerate.. My mask will break and he can see that i am not very cheerful person..

i like people and i need them..i can't be alone..i feel extremely bored and empty when i am alone which is not a good things since it will lead to my " i hate people" campaign.. But i like them from far away, they doesn't have to be physically available..i am just fine with texting.. i don't mind not seeing people at all as long as i have someone to talk to through texting..

haha..there are so many unrelated things in single thread.. i try to understand myself, but the more i understand, the more it reveal that there is something wrong with me...