I'm not exactly sure how to explain this, but I'll do my best.

I have 2 living children, 1 deceased. My eldest is 8, Middle is 6 (diagnosed with ASD & SPD) and my baby passed away in 2010.

I don't love my eldest child. I never have. I never got to feel that bond that people explain about when they hold their baby for the first time.

Don't get me wrong though, I don't hate her. I still talk to her, I can have fun with her at times, I've tried to hide it for her whole life but she's now starting to notice it.

When I was pregnant with her I was a mess. I was in pain, not sleeping and became so depressed that I contemplated driving off a bridge. I thought it would get better once she was born. It didn't.

I tried to breast feed her and after 5 days of feeding her for 20+ hours a day I called a help line (staffed by midwives) to ask if it was normal to feed her that much. I apparently don't have a milk supply so she was dehydrated and starving.

The doctor thinks I had post-natal depression (I had suffered from depression In the past) but no-one noticed at the time so I suffered through it alone for almost 2 years.

When my second was born, she was the biggest help. My 2nd child had all sorts of minor complications, but my eldest (21 months old by then) was amazing. she helped with everything. she always did as I asked and was a great kid.

She still is a great kid. I just have no bond at all with her. Our relationship feels more like she's the kid next door rather than my daughter.

My 2nd child comes and sits on my lap, we cuddle, I can give kisses and cuddles before bed. I adore my second child. Even with all that goes with the ASD & SPD diagnosis, I've taken it all in my stride and we are so close.

When my eldest goes to bed she hugs and kisses her dad, but calls out goodnight to me from across the room. I prefer it that way. If she tries to hug me, I pat her on the back and say goodnight. If her skin touches mine I feel uncomfortable. If she was to kiss me on the cheek, I can feel the spot where she kissed me and I have to almost scrub it off.

The one thing that sticks out to me is that my eldest is exactly like me. she looks like me, acts like me, sounds like me. she's also a bigger built kid, like me. I find her to be less attractive than my 2nd child too.

my 2nd child is like my younger sister. She's pretty, petite, funny, Looks just like my sister too. same dark hair with naturally blonde streaks, same green eyes. same personality. I wondered if its less about her as a person and more about how much I dislike myself and how much I idolise my sister? (I am a very hard person to be friends with and to get along with, I'm not even sure why, I just know that I've been told that a lot in my lifetime)

She will even say that she's her dads kid and my 2nd child is my kid. She's 100% aware of how differently I treat her. I try not to show it, but its hard.

I know that I should see a counsellor but I have no idea where to start. Is there a type of counsellor that deals with people who don't like their kids? Are they going to try and take the kids away from me if I confess how much I dislike my eldest? Does this make me a bad person?

I have no idea how to go about this. Do I just ring their office? What would I say? Would I need a referral from my GP?

Sorry, I realise I'm rambling... I do that when I get emotional.

I hate that I'm such a bad mother to her. Its not her fault, she didn't do anything wrong. Its so hard to see her get excited to see me when I pick her up from school and then as she runs over to hug me & I see the look on her face in response to the look on mine, and she stops running and just says "Hi Mummy". I see the heartbreak in her eyes when my 2nd child runs over to me the same way and she sees me scoop her sister up into my arms with a smile on my face and ask how her day was. I am sick of hurting my eldest child.