She is really close to her dad and he does all the right things. He's a much better parent than I am.

I know its wrong, but when you suggested scooping her up so its the same as I do for my other child, I instantly thought that it would be easier to stop doing that all together than it would be to start it with my eldest. the thought of doing it makes me uneasy and extremely uncomfortable.

I don't neglect her though. I just wanna make that part clear. I give her everything she needs from me. Its just not as easy as with my younger child. And where I'm lacking, her dad makes up for it.

She knows that she isn't worthless. I tell her how much I appreciate her all the time. Its not like I actively avoid her, I just avoid certain contact with her. I appreciate her as a person and as an independent human being. I just don't have a maternal bond with her. its awkward with her and I.

I know this is my problem. This is not her fault. its all me. I know that.

I have always been the odd one out in my family so I don't necessarily think that its been bad for me to feel they way I do about myself. I am the eldest of 8 kids in an incredibly blended family. All 7 of my siblings are perfect so by being the odd one out I have become more resilient as an adult.

I really don't know where to start with the counselling thing. Do I just call someone? How do I know that they are the right kind of person to deal with me and my issues?