I am having trouble determining if what I am suffering from is an obsessive compulsive disorder. I am 19 and I live on campus. I have been diagnosed with depression. I am generally a neat person, though I do not go overboard. I have to disinfect all my furniture in my dorm every couple days, and I regularly spray isoprotyl all over my stuff if I think they might have germs on them. While I often think about self-harm, I would not consider them intrusive.

In the past before bedtime I needed to go to the bathroom about five or six times before I could go to bed. By “go to the bathroom” I mean literally I need to be in the bathroom for five to ten minutes, even if I can’t pee. I would get these thoughts that if I went to bed without doing these things then I would wet the bed. This means I have to make trips to the bathroom many times before bed just to stand there and wait to see if I need to go. I lived with this for about five years.

Here’s where it gets really crazy. In the past three months my compulsion to get up before bed to go to the bathroom got much much worse. Instead of five times, it was ten, then twenty, and eventually 30+ times a night. I would spent four hours a night just walking to bed, then to the bathroom, then the bed, then the bathroom. Its hell, I know it’s irrational and stupid, but I have no control over it. I literally cannot sleep without doing this. I got tested for all sorts of medical causes, and all came up clear. I fasted for two days with zero water and I still have these urges to get up and walk to the bathroom despite having no urine in my bladder. It has come to the point where I can no longer sleep due to these urges. As I am typing this, I have been up thirty one hours because every time I try to sleep I get these compulsions. I have begun switching the bathroom lights on and off three times every time I leave, and I don’t really know why. This is ruining my life, and it feels like hell. This is the first time I have felt as though I am not in control of my brain.

Is this OCD or is it something else? I don’t have many other OCD symptoms and most of the ones I do have are pretty mild. I just want to know if this sounds like OCD, or am I just crazy.