When all we know is not caring how does one start to care? I had to do an exercise in my therapy of "Who everyone thinks I am" vs "Who I think I am".... So what I came up with is that everyone sees me as the "nice, polite, gentle, caring, helpful, empathetic old Italian lady who wouldn't hurt a fly", but who do I think I am? I think I am evil as F**k, my thoughts and fantasies, some of the things I've done in my life that people don't know about.... I just never cared, i hate to say that but I guess that is what it is. If I thought to much about it I would lose sleep, get paranoid, move around the country constantly changing my address, my face-book, my phone number and so on. I'm tired though, I plan to move again but this time I don't want to feel like I am running from something.

A Psychiatrist tried to tell me I was a schizophrenic, I am not a schizophrenic, that's ridiculous. I've seen Schizophrenics and I am not that, i think my paranoia and anxiety, going a week without eating, a week and a half without sleeping, was because I was driven insane. I am clearly Narcissistic, though I tell everyone I am just confident. Is there such thing as ASP with emotion? I think I have emotion even though my BF says I am emotional-less 80% of the time. I volunteer at a homeless shelter, I give out bus passes to the homeless so they can get around the city, i'm always helping people who need it and in my profession I deal with awful atrocities committed by serious ASPD and people with severe psychotic disorders, I do work that normal people can't do, the things I see would keep the normal person up at night, yet I sleep like a baby.

I was also diagnosed with PTSD and since I stopped taking the 16 different medications they gave me I haven't woken up once in a panic, in the middle of the night, from a nightmare or a flash back. I do a lot of good in the world, at least I think I do, but emotions cause me to have panic attacks. I want to give myself 100% to my bf, emotions and everything, I want to feel what he is feeling, to miss him, to want to be with him all the time, etc... But I know from experience that anytime I every let myself feel like that, it all begins to fade and their sleeping with someone else. So I've formulated it to the point that I only act like I care so much and they seem to stick around for longer. I've been just about totally honest with my bf about the things that go on in my head, always followed by a "well, you can make of it whatever you want", ive tried to be totally honest, though this is not totally the case. I haven't cheated and I have no plans to, but I do like to make men online lust over me, want me, etc... then shoot them down and vanish, I get kicks off of it, is that right? We've also talked in depth about threesomes, how my ex and I used to do them and I had no problem doing them, no intent to leave my ex or cheat on him with the threesome person. I can separate sex and relationship. I've explained to my BF that my being with him is not driven by emotion or fears of abandonment, that I made a choice to be with him and start something with him. I told him that I am not running around paranoid, 'i'm not walking on egg shells that he is cheating or lying or anything and that if he does it and I find out, I will do what I always do and drop him and walk away and he will never hear from me again. I guess that's all for now thanks for reading