((((sister))))

> my T says that I try to understand things before I feel them.

yeah. it can be hard. to engage with therapy so that one can talk / communicate in words on the one hand. to feel the feelings on the other. i find it hard to retain the balance so that i can do a bit of both. if i feel too much language goes out the window. if i numb the feeling completely then it can become empty words.

i think we do have to feel the feelings in order to integrate the experience. but i think we have to be able to communicate verbally in order to integrate the experience too. it is so hard.

i... couldn't think in session. he didn't ask me what i needed but i could see him trying to figure it out. i didn't know. if he had have asked me i wouldn't have known what to say to him. it was only afterwards... in remembering parts of the session and in remembering how i was emotionally responding that i've managed to organise my experience of the session into some kind of narrative. it can be so hard.

> I wrote my T a letter this week too. And I'm now wondering who will bring it up first when I walk in the door next........

i hope that works out okay. i think... i don't want to talk about what i wrote him. don't know why i sent it. because i've been avoiding feeling emotionally connected. because i wanted him to know that part of me wants it so much but that part of me is terrified. i sent him something else as well. trying to convey the fragmentation. it is hard to put in words. i told him that i wrote about it sometimes and he said i could send it to him. last session was weird. he was really trying to connect with me but i couldn't. maybe it goes some way towards making amends. i don't know.

i need to work. having nightmares about that (about having to give a seminar when i've only had 20 minutes to prepare and i had no idea what i was saying and people were very disappointed and mocking of me).

ugh.

need to work now.