Long post ahead. I apologize for the rambly nonsense, but I’m desperate right now.

So... Before bipolar disorder was an item, I've thought at points I have OCD (due to intrusive thoughts, mostly), but it's not a constant thing for me. It comes and goes, and now that bipolar is my tentative diagnosis I'm wondering if this pattern I experience is actually a mixed state?

This first happened when I was thirteen. It begins with ridiculous insomnia. It's like I've lost the ability to sleep entirely. My body feels like it's buzzing, and I'll get out of bed and start pacing, and other times I'll write a bunch of random stuff in a journal or a word document or whatever to distract myself. Sometimes I've had weird issues with food, like excessive worry about food bourne illness or the thought that I had suddenly developed a food allergy or thinking the food had been tampered with or poisoned at some point before it reached me. Once I also thought I'd somehow created toxic fumes in my apartment and even frantically dialed 911 over it.

It'll feel like I'm sensitive to EVERYTHING around me too, especially stupid insignificant noises. Like I've thrown things across the room before because I couldn't the sound of a dripping faucet.

My thoughts race too. I can't control them. Sometimes I get stuck on one thing, a picture or something, which made me think it's OCD, but even when it's on one thing, there's other things in the background that comes forward and whatnot. When I was a kid, I thought if my crazy uncontrolled self vowed allegiance to Satan - like I said the words in my mind that a demon would hop in my body and possess me. Thank you, Catholic schooling, for that one. Another time I thought I was going to be abducted by aliens. The weird thing, though, is even though it feels 100% real, I still kindaaa know it's not. I'm always teetering on it. One second, I'm reassuring myself it couldn't possibly be real, and then a violent image pops into my brain and I'm questioning it again, but it's like I don't get a choice about what to think. I also have conversations going in my head, not like hearing voices necessarily, but like I'm rehearsing everything I'll say for a variety of things, but the topic flips like crazy. I can choose to think about something for a single second, but then another thing replaces it. This is what keeps me up.

I go days without sleep. I can't remember to eat sometimes or if I've taken meds. Sometimes I'm so preoccupied with these thoughts I've even not noticed the need to go to the bathroom.
If I DO sleep at all, it's for an hour or two, but then I'm awake again and back to the uncontrolled thoughts, and I just vacillate to the point I'm not sure if I'm sleeping or awake. Sometimes an hour or two passes on the clock so I presume I maybe slept, but I honestly don't know.

I get so frustrated with the trying to sleep that I just give up and pace again. I feel wide awake then, and sometimes, though not always, I can somehow push myself through a day at school or work. It seems like I can kind of fake normal if I keep my body busy doing something to distract my mind, but when I have to sit still or something, it's hell on earth. It's the worst at night when I'm trying to sleep. Sometimes I can't fake normal, though. I lie and say I'm sick to get out of having to do what I need to do.

Does this sound like mixed?

I was previously diagnosed with depression and anxiety, so sometimes I think maybe it's all anxiety related. Like intense anxiety during depression, because I honestly feel like crap despite the amount of energy.

The thing that’s the most messed up, though, is I think I bring this on myself. I love to write and sometimes I’ll stay up WAYYY too late working on something, and if I’m lucky, it works out fine. I’m all buzzed and happy and still able to go to school/work and do things. Sometimes it starts like this, and then warps into the hell I just described. Sometimes I experience the hell first and I’m lucky and it lifts into happy feelings, and I grow to love not sleeping. Other times I crash and have NO energy whatsoever, but even though I know not sleeping triggers this, I can’t control the urge to not sleep. I miss the nights I stay up writing too much and feel like I can never be happy unless I’m doing that, so yeah. It's vicious cycle. I'll eventually snap out of it and feel normal for a period of time. Maybe a little anxious, because I'm just kind of an anxious person naturally, but nothing like this.