Sorry... Your post has really gotten to me... Gotten under my skin, somehow. Not entirely sure how maybe I see some of me... I think I'm identifying with your eldest. And really struck by your identifying with her...

And the thought that you don't know how to help her. (you).

I'd imagine it would have been a really hard experience with her being your first child. Right when you don't know how things are supposed to go... You don't have a schema. To learn that she was starving despite your best efforts. That you didn't 'just know' what she needed... That you couldn't... Fairly automatically meet her needs.

So you kind of start out feeling like a failure with her. And it is kind of hard to recover from.

I do wonder about your other children... You said she was terrific at helping you... But I wonder if your other children might be, too. The happy bubbly one... She cheers you up, yeah? Helps you feel happy and competent... I... Really value people like that. Because I'm not like that, at all. I identify more with your eldest. Who I imagine has solemn eyes...

I think counseling could really help you. You do seem to have insight... But also seem to be really hard on yourself...